The Audacity of Individuality

March 21, 2010
Ever feel pressure to conform to the standards of a social group in which you are forced to be a member?

Well, I have and in multiple social groups. This writing is only about one of them, this is my middle finger to the gay world.

Two years ago I made the choice to embrace feelings I had towards other guys. The world has come to call these homosexual feelings. Little did I know that when I opened up about these feelings, I was putting labels all over myself that identified me as all kinds of shit.

Suddenly everything about me had to change, I was no longer a straight guy and therefore I had to put that stuff behind me, so I felt in order to be accepted by the gay world. I felt pressure to alter the way I dress, alter the way I presented myself, change my interests and the things I considered enjoyable, change the people I talked to, accept and embrace new ways of doing things, accept and embrace all the things that the world has come to recognize as homosexual, because since I admitted to having male-to-male feelings, I was now a homosexual and needed to act the part.

At first, I willingly accepted some of these new principles, assumed that it came with the territory. Like any other reasonable human being, I wanted to be accepted and welcomed into a social group in which I had expected to be a member of from there on out. I picked up new things, habits and traits, views and opinions. In essence, a new identity.

I have always been a stubborn person, hot-headed and head-strong on how I felt about things. Rub me the wrong way and you will know about it. It didn’t take me very long to realize that at least half of me was not willing to mold to the ideals of the gay world and so began a self-initiated conflict, partly with myself and partly with the gay world.

Who knew that embracing your feelings could lead to embodying the ideals of people you do not agree with. I was raised a certain way and this way does not fit neatly into the gay world. Saying that I am capable of finding other men attractive, saying that I have the desire to be in a partnership with another dude, had consequences that I was not capable of foreseeing.

The assumptions and the labels thrown at me by the outside world (people outside the LGBT) can be devastating, irritating, enraging, disgusting and ignorant. Sometimes the assumptions and labels thrown upon you by the LGBT can be just as pathetic in my opinion. Living in the median, between the gay world and the non-gay world, I get shit from both sides. I’m neither gay enough and nor am I straight enough to live in/be accepted by either world.

And many times, what can piss me off just as much, is when someone patronizes me about the whole thing or even suggests that they understand how I feel, and then turn-around and partake in the opposite of what they say. As if pretending to be something you’re not is somehow gonna make me like you. This has happened in the gay world far too often, as if I say these things about myself for flair or for intrigue, something I wear to draw in attention. This conflict is real, never pretend to understand that to gain my favor. In short, don’t tell me you are one thing and then act otherwise.

How the gay world sees itself and how the straight world views the gay world can often times be an immensely different picture. If anything, I have learned that in my time on the fence. It would seem in my eyes that if both sides would just listen to each other’s views and opinions, they would quickly learn that misunderstanding and lack of knowledge is the massive divide that prevents a bridge of tolerance. No one needs to give-up their values and opinions, no one needs to be best friends or embrace each other, platonic love is a fake love, I only ask for tolerance, nowhere in that word’s definition does it call for anything more than the peaceful acceptance of the others existence.

I observe like few others. It’s how I learn things. So let’s talk about the darkness that I have found in the gay world, a world full of materialism, judgement, drugs, sex, back-biting, self-indulgence, shallowness, secrecy, lies, pedophilia, attention lust and the emotional and psychological issues that abound.

It is absolutely no wonder to me, how so many straight people, especially those in certain Christian groups view homosexuality in a negative light. There’s plenty of negativity in the gay world to go around. It can be a pretty sick and vile world, a disgusting way of life, a chosen deprivation. Because the gay world is so open about itself, acceptant of it’s sexual nature, it attracts the roaches of this world, it offers them a safe haven full of the things they hunger for. Like roaches to a dumpster, the gay world lures in the sickest, creepiest, most disgusting people I have ever laid witness to. And the worst thing of all is that no one in the gay world says anything, no one keeps these people at bay or in check, they just go seemingly unnoticed, permitted to exist. Tolerance and equality are one thing, but there is no excuse for the activities of these people/animals.

It is this part, the dark part of the gay world that degrades all of us. It is this view, this assumption that the gay world is full of only these types people. That we all practice these activities, that we all engage and embrace the dark things I have mentioned above. The gay world knows it isn’t true, I know it isn’t true, but if no one talks about it, if no one fights against it, then nothing will ever change. The gay world is so convoluted in it’s principle of being all-acceptant that it’s killing itself from the inside out.

The morals and ethics of the gay world are in question. I stand here and say, they should be in question. There is absolutely no confusion in my mind as to why the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is so quickly thrown at the gay world. There is a lack of integrity, a lack of self-control, a lack of dignity, a lack of self-respect, a lack of a lot of things.

If it were up to me, the gay world would be a lot more like the straight world. Which, yeah I know isn’t all that great itself with its porn addiction, drugs, pig-headed sexist views, etc; but I think it’s a little better than the gay world. I could be stabbed with a drag’s stiletto for saying this, but I think the gay world needs a little more Conservatism.

It is for these ideals and opinions that I feel shunned by the gay world. I can’t blame them and I’m honestly not complaining because in many ways I’d rather not be associated with it. It doesn’t entirely represent me or my thoughts, actions and words. I’m tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not, tired of feeling like I have to change myself to attain the favor of other people. I’m different and that’s just me, I am an individual with my own beliefs and opinions and there’s no reason to give that up and become spineless.

It would seem that in this day and age, so much of our individuality is lost.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

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About Kephen

I am a writer who happens to be a pantheist living in the heartland of America. I write about everything that interests me, from Zen Buddhism to depression and mental illness, society and civil rights to the LGBT community and the personal meanderings of my life. To learn more about me just check out my blog.
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