January 2, 2011
Everything is black, save the sparks of sanity within; the buzz in my head, a melody of self-deprivation or rather the hum of degradation. I look around and the darkness prevails, always the melancholy thought, but dammit I have fought, for so long I have fought.
You ask me the question, always that same damn question, “How are you?” I offer back what you want to hear, “I’m good and you?” And I smile because I know you could never survive in here, you have to stay out and inside your trance because it’s safer there, this is my burden, this is my burden to bear.
Do you want in, do you want to see inside my head? Then read my words and reap what they sow or maybe you should turn away and run instead; it matters not the least to me or so I tell myself here where the sun never glows, walk on my words and into the black and learn things no one knows.
This is it, the threshold of my existence, here’s the gate that leads you in, or is it a door? No matter, it invites you in with seduction, always open like a whore; she’ll take you in and take away all you’ve got, cast you aside like an empty shell, watch you fade away like ashes in hell; tell you that you have sinned and let you go like dust in the wind.
Stay on my words as we wander along, I’ll lead you in and make you feel like you belong; but stay on my words all the way through, right to the heart of everything you never knew.
We march on into the precipice, the battle of my sanity and as you look around, there is darkness overhead and down below, shadows cast all upon the ground; plead not to see the sky, it’s a blood filled sphere, like a cut across your eye, dripping tears of misery and fear.
I beg you carry on and witness more, this is my state of mind, forever weak and forever wore, but you have to carry on. Can you feel that on your skin? There’s a cold in here that seeps in, emanating from a place I’m yet to discover, stay too long and you’ll never recover.
Reach out and touch the things that pass us by, feel them with your hands because in here your heart will die; love is a vacant thing and that numbing in your soul will never go away, it’s the price I never asked to pay.
You can hear them all, those repetitive voices shouting psychotic things and giving me answers to questions I never inquired upon, worse still are the ones who want me to trust no one and hate everyone because it is only from the sadness they can spawn.
Lies and secrets they ramble all throughout these unholy chambers, echoing through these unhallowed halls of my self-destructive behavior. They beg me to listen to them, adhere to their advice for everyone I meet is a potential betrayer.
The air in here is thick and heavy, sometimes it’s hard to breathe like I’m in a black ocean of despair. And yet against my one last wish, I’m the only one that doesn’t drown, only suffer and it’s all just a hurt inside that none can ever repair.
Allow me to take you in deeper, spiral downward until you bear witness to the nightmare weaver; the warden of my time and my life on lease, he who bears the key to my freedom and who is adorn with the diadem of my peace.
This monster, this Demon in me has me under his thumb, I am broken and useless, I am blind, deaf and dumb. A slave to the flaws of a human mind, the host of a psychological parasite, feeding off my sanity and my hope; I’m falling down into a hole of psychosis, no ladder and no rope.
My Demon is a disease, an undying burden of my genetics, running rampant across the plane of my mind; reeking havoc in a cycle, my life on play and rewind. A war raging without end, victory and defeat, but never knowing peace or happiness; a loss of self-worth and self-image all mingled into a life of painful semi-consciousness.
And now it’s time for you to leave, get out before I draw you in and hurt you; the flames of my anger are unapologetic and far-reaching, oh the many terrible things this place can do. This war has changed me, it has altered me in ways I am not proud of; I have done things and said things that have hurt the people I love.
Go and be free, be grateful you rule your own life, be thankful that you don’t dwell in this place a permanent resident. And when you get out, don’t look back at me, it’s better for you, of that I’m confident.
Forget about me, I will only bring you down and in this black ocean you will only drown.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud: