The One For Which I Wait

April 24, 2011

For every man there is an ideal of what he longs for in another human being.  Some guys find this love by chance, others go searching for it and look for the chance at that love in every prospective person they meet.

How do we know what to look for?  Where does this compilation of characteristics and preferences come from?  How do we know we have found the person we have been looking for if we aren’t sure of exactly what we are longing for?  Who can tell us where to go and who can tell us when the time has come?

We go out into the world in the belief that fate or God or whatever you believe in will bring them into your hands, that in time you will find the person you are meant to be with.  At some time or another we all have felt this way and believed in these things.  Some of us may have been more optimistic than others, but we have all been in or will go through that phase in life.  Unfortunately there are some people who never find what they are looking for.

Of the many things that we can do in our lives, of all the things that we can experience and achieve in our short time here in this life, on this planet, I firmly believe that love or romance is one of the most important experiences that we will ever have.

Call me a bleeding heart or a love-crazed fool, but in my mind, finding someone to spend the rest of my life with is pretty much my number one goal in life.  Despite the importance I place on that goal, it’s one I have been terrible at achieving.

I have always been the type of person who feels as though his life is less important than the person he commits himself to.  I’ve always felt like I was never the type of person who wanted to take the lead and charge ahead of others or make myself more important than anyone else.  In circumstances throughout my life, I have taken the backseat, chosen to come in second place, accepted my role as the side-kick, the person that others rely on, the one who takes the fall for the betterment of the next guy.  I live to serve and not to command.

This ideology has bled out into my past relationships.  I’m not the type of person to take charge and make decisions, I’m not interested in being the boss, I prefer the more supportive role.  I like to be the person that you go to for consoling, the one you take refuge with when everything falls apart, the one who remains at your side when everyone else walks away.

There are so many people in this world and if you haven’t noticed it yet, there are a lot of people out there who can be considered possible matches to your personality and to your physical preferences.

We meet these possible matches throughout our lives until finally we end up with one of them.  Some people it happens early in life, others it takes nearly a lifetime to find them and some actually never do.  The idea that I may one day die single and without ever having the chance at love is depressing to say the least.

For some, love is not a choosy practice, some people will tie the proverbial knot with just about anyone and that’s probably why one out of every two marriages ends in divorce.  Time is another factor, some people just don’t put in the time required to get to know their partner.

Despite there being so many single people out in the world, the percentage of chance you actually have at finding someone where you live, decreases as you reduce the area in which you are willing to search.  Add in the additional factors of your personal preferences and that percentage drops again.  If you’re gay, it will drop even further.

I would admit it’s probably true that the pickier you are, the less likely you will ever find someone.  However, I evoke the question that if you are willing to be with just about anyone, doesn’t that dilute the nature of romance?

Either way, I’m not willing to give into desperation and chase anyone who gives me an intriguing look.  Over the years and through past relationships I have learned a lot about what I’m looking for and learned a lot about myself.  Based on these understandings, a guy should have a pretty clear picture of what type of person they should be on the lookout for.

The next hurdle to cross is actually finding that person.  I have never been able to understand why people assume that popular hangouts like bars, clubs, etc are the best places to meet someone.  I suppose it would make sense if you like those types of atmospheres, but if you aren’t the type of person to frequent them, why would you ever go there looking for potential life partners?

Actually finding someone you would be a good match with, is as variable as the individual seeking them.  In other words, not everyone should follow the same path to find love because not everyone is the same.  Each journey in the name of love, should be traversed based upon that person’s individual personality.  Interests, hobbies, virtues, beliefs, talents, all of these things are essential to every wayfarer of love.  Knowing them and staying true to oneself is crucial.  Never be anyone other than yourself.

So what is it that I am searching for as an individual?  What or who have I been searching for, waiting for?  I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and I’ve evaluated my opinions and preferences over the years and things have changed from time to time, but I have a core idea of who I’m waiting for.  And because of this, I have avoided dating people who don’t match the “one” for which I wait.

As far as physical appearances go, I’m really not that picky, at least not to the extreme.  Sure I have preferences, but they are not set in stone.  Things like hair, skin or eye color don’t matter.  Other things like body shape and height do matter to me because I personally take great importance in staying healthy and height is important to me because I’m kind of short.

Almost everyday I see people who I find attractive.  I think that finding someone who is physically appealing is not the hard part in the dating game, not even finding attractive single people who would date you.  The hardest part is finding someone who’s character blends with your own.  They have to match on the outside and on the inside.

Like I said before, I’ve never been the type of person who likes to take the driver’s seat and I really am not fond of other people who do.  So even though I am a beta male, I do not find alphas to be good partners.  I prefer an omega, people who don’t assert themselves over others.  People who are quiet and shy, reserved and introspective.  People not considered outgoing or determined, driven or controlling.

I’m looking for a guy who could care less about social conformity, who doesn’t take stock or even interest in what’s culturally popular.  Someone who doesn’t have ambitious goals or who gets consumed by his work.  A guy who doesn’t need attention 24/7.

My ideal guy would prefer to stay home over going out to a bar or a club.  He definitely would not be a socialite.  He’d think it more important to spend time together on our own than to immerse ourselves in social events.  He would be the strong silent type, the kind of guy that doesn’t need to constantly hear about how much he means to me nor would he feel compelled to verbally inform me of the same.

Instead, he would find subtle ways to prove it.  Not by touchy-feely things like holding hands, the guy I’m looking for would never want to do that unless he was falling off a cliff and needed to hold my hand to be saved.  Nope, this guy would do things for me, seemingly small and unimportant things that would mean a lot to me.  He would give me some subtle look or a smirk every once in a while and that would tell me everything I would need to hear.

The kind of guy I’m looking for wouldn’t be concerned with the material things that either of us owned.  He wouldn’t care about whether our living space was a one bedroom apartment on the edge of town, he wouldn’t be interested in the corporate rat race, or whether people judged him for being different.

He would be the kind of guy that thinks it’s equally enjoyable to go camping as it would be to do anything else.  The kind of guy who would play video games for hours and not think that it was a waste of time.  The kind of guy who would lay in bed most of the day if he wanted to or who would stay home and watch movies over going out to party or drink.  The kind of guy who would try to cook, but would suck at it.

The kind of guy who drives a truck, but has a thing for muscle cars.  The kind of guy that wears jeans as much as possible and wears a baseball cap once in a while because he’s too lazy to do anything with his hair.

The guy that would know a thing or two about mechanics, the kind of guy that would know his way around a farm.  The kind of guy that takes physical fitness somewhat seriously and keeps himself in shape.  The kind of guy that worries about his image, but would never talk about it unless he was feeling bad.  The kind of guy that would never want anyone else to know that he’s got fears and concerns, but me.  The guy that thinks himself a badass, but is really just a push-over.

I’m looking for the kind of guy that would fit in with my family and with me.  The kind of guy who thinks that family is important.  Who’s loyal and committed, who’s honest and hard-working, but sometimes lazy, who’s genuine and patient, but who isn’t invulnerable or thinks himself perfect.

The guy who can make up for the things that I lack, who can overlook the flaws that I have.  The guy who equally is looking for someone to fill the holes that he has, to make him feel complete.

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About Kephen

I am a writer who happens to be a pantheist living in the heartland of America. I write about everything that interests me, from Zen Buddhism to depression and mental illness, society and civil rights to the LGBT community and the personal meanderings of my life. To learn more about me just check out my blog.
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