Here and There, Now and Then

January 29, 2012

It’s no secret that I’m unhappy with my life. Clearly, I need to do something about that. What isn’t so obvious to me, is what I need to do. I’m unhappy with my personal life and I’m unhappy with my professional life. I feel as though I’ve been stuck in this phase for the past 8 years.

I’m one of those people who believes that everyone is important to the wellbeing of at least one other human being, that in some way or another we are bound to connected fate and that we all have our own niche in life that somehow impacts others. That the actions we take in our daily lives, no matter how menial, affect those around us; hopefully in a positive way.

I think that every person has a place, has the ability to find a purpose or a meaningful part in our collected human experience. Some people are good with their hands, some with their minds, some people are artists, some activists, some engineers, mathematicians, teachers, laborers, cooks, etc. Every person is capable of finding their path through life, but I also believe that some never do.

For me, there is horror in the idea of never embracing and fulfilling my niche in life. I’m convinced that my wellbeing is dependent upon it. Maybe that in itself is a bad thing, but what our hearts are determined to find, will always lead us where we need to be.

We all have the free will to do as we please. We moved beyond the need to fulfill our basic needs, something that other animals have never experienced. We humans seek a higher calling, and I don’t mean that religiously. We all feel the need to belong, to have a place, a reason.

When I was in high school, I thought I had an idea of what that was. However, I was so naïve. Right before I graduated, I became certain that my calling was the military. Unfortunately at that time, I was not qualified to serve and was labeled unfit for service. So I listened to my parents and turned my attention back to college, but it most certainly was not the same as the military. It had no allure, it seemed meaningless to me, uninteresting and not fulfilling.

Two weeks after starting, I dropped out. I hated it and had no desire to do it. It gave me no feeling, it was empty and so was I. Not to mention I was studying something I knew nothing about.

So I turned back to the one thing that still gave me feeling. Determined to never take no for an answer. So I went through two painful surgeries to become qualified, passed my exams and took my oath. And we all know how that chapter eventually ended.

So the past eight years have been interesting, but despite ups and plenty of downs, I’m still in the same phase of life as when I graduated from high school. And to me, that’s absolutely disappointing. Pathetic and embarrassing really. I’ve wasted all this time and time is something we can never get back. I may as well have been in prison the last 8 years. In psychological ways, I have been.

I don’t know where to go or what to do in order to move my life forward. It irritates me that I don’t have the answers or know how to find them. If you had asked me when I started my senior year of high school, where I would be eight years later, I know that my answer would never have been this life that I have now.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done some crazy things, met some great people and even touched lives in profound ways, but that’s not enough. I’ve gained, I’ve lost and I’ve learned, but this is not the end. I can’t flounder here any longer, I need to move on. Life is a journey, one traversed in motion, forever moving forward. The years of my life have been passing me by, while I’ve been standing here and not making decisions about my direction.

I need meaning and purpose, I need to know that what I’m doing is making a difference in order to be happy; I’m just one of those people. I know what my ability is, I know my niche in life, I have it right here, you’re seeing it and reading it right now, but I don’t know what to do with it.

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About Kephen

I am a writer who happens to be a pantheist living in the heartland of America. I write about everything that interests me, from Zen Buddhism to depression and mental illness, society and civil rights to the LGBT community and the personal meanderings of my life. To learn more about me just check out my blog.
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