Execution

July 4, 2010

Execution is vengeance.  It always has been and always will be.  There is no justice in execution.  People allow their emotions to over take them, they are blinded by retribution and revert to a primal state of mind.

Having said that I should also say I understand it.  I get why people feel that way.  If someone was to come along and hurt or kill someone I loved, someone completely innocent and undeserving, I would most assuredly want vengeance.  And like anyone else in anger, I would call it justice.  Fully, I believe that what I would be doing, would be fair and just.  An eye for an eye.  Make them suffer as my loved one had suffered, as I have suffered.

In that there is a problem.  Hammurabi’s eye for an eye mentality is as outdated as the hygiene of the century he existed in.

Not only should life evolve on physical levels, but also mentally.

Human beings commit crimes for a myriad of reasons.  I think that a better understanding of the human psyche is far more beneficial to the human race than learning new ways to execute each other.

To date, it is widely accepted among the psychology community that people who commit crimes, do so because there is a dysfunction in the part of their brain that discerns between behaviour that benefits the social community they exist in and that which benefits them as a single entity.

Which is to say, that their ability to focus on others rather than themselves falls short of the average human being.  It has been established that human beings are capable of compassion at a very young age, regardless of race, gender, religion or cultural influences.  It is as they grow, when these instinctual abilities are distorted by the environment in which they live and learn.

As social mammals, humans have evolved to be adept at establishing and nurturing social networks.  Whether these be of a familial nature or otherwise.  The cognitive ability to make these social environments work and be sustained begins early in our development.  A stage most psychologists refer to as the crucial years of development.

It is without question that many individuals who commit crimes or who get involved in behaviour that is detrimental to the wellbeing of their greater social environments, are usually individuals whose early years of life were, for a lack of a better definition, fucked up.

I think that a better understanding of what goes wrong in the human brain’s development at that point in their growth, is essential to future crime prevention.

obviously, we cannot give every child therapy that grows up in a broken home, but at least with an understanding of how important it is to counter act the negative effects of lackluster parenting, we could veer future troubled teens from becoming criminals in adulthood.  As is always the case, education is key.

Currently, the prison system is a broken system.  One that absorbs and expels criminals on a regular basis.  Neither helping the community or the individual who finds himself a resident there.  For now, it’s the only system we have to deal with people who lack the social skills to exist in an environment that relies heavily on everyone’s ability to function properly.

I’m not always one to advocate drugging people, I think that medication in the circumstances of psychological conditions, should be a last resort.  Medications in the psychological world have come a long way in what they can treat.  Serious psycho and social disorders and diseases can be successfully treated, perhaps it is not out of the question to find some plausible treatment with medication for individuals who suffer from the inability to function socially, those who have not properly developed and act out in unacceptable ways.

The question remains, what do we do with particularly violent people who have committed immensely grave crimes like murder, etc, who receive life sentences, without the possibility of parole?  That’s a good question.  At that point there’s really not much we can do with them.  I think that people who have gone to that extreme and reached that level of social detachment are not capable of being socially recovered.

Some people may beg to differ, but I hardly think that once someone has become a cold-blooded killer, that they can just walk freely among the rest of us, a genuine and fully functioning human being.  I just think that’s not a reasonable choice.  There is a vast difference between people who kill innocent people because they want to and people who kill for the protection and wellbeing of the rest of us, such as police officers and military personnel.

Therefore, it is my thought that such dire offenders need to remain in prison to live out a slow, agonizing, mind-rotting, monotonous life until their death.  I wish that they could be put to use.  I know a lot of prisons utilize their inmates in community work, such as clean-up or repair work, but I think criminals who are receiving life sentences for vicious murders would likely not be interested in such projects unless they were to get lighter sentences.  And to me, no community work is replacement for the punishment they deserve for the heinous crimes they’ve committed.  And they most definitely shouldn’t be set free early because they picked up some trash in a park.

What about the criminals who actually want to be put to death instead of serving out their life sentence?  Honestly, I think they should remain in prison to live out their lives contemplating what they have done and how easy it would have been for them to not make the choice they did, how simple it would have been to keep themselves from being in the situation they are in.  I think that death is an escape from punishment for some offenders and to grant them that escape is appalling to me.  That’s one of the reasons I object to execution, it’s like giving a criminal who would be otherwise suffering a life sentence, the easy way out.

Meditation

An Outline of a Course in the Art of Meditation: The Awareness of Thought

An Introduction

I once told myself how rediculous meditation must be. I thought that to be void of thought was perhaps the most terrible state in which to exist. To believe that enlightenment could be attained from mindlessness was, to me, worthy of audacity. My experience at that point was short of mediocre and I had little insight to back up such a claim.

As time went by and I practiced meditation I found it excrutiatingly difficult to reach a mindset of nothingness. As I sat “Indian” style, because I was not flexible enough to attain the Lotus position, I fought off every thought and alluring possibility that randomly came to mind. I was so disgusted with my lack of ability to refrain from thought and simply just exist, to just simply be still and unaffected by outside and internal forces that I nearly quit trying. But I had read so much that meditation was an essential part of living a healthy life that I wanted it to be a part of mine, so I kept on.

Little did I know that my battle for mindlessness was futile. The human mind has evolved for milennia to the aspect of high consciousness and here I was trying to eliminate what made me human. And so the thought came to me after reading “The Miracle of Mindfullness”, by Thich Nhat Hanh, that perhaps mindlessness was not the ultimate goal of meditation, but perhaps the very thing we should use meditation to overcome.

Meditation is not about losing oneself in a blank space of nothing, but rather a way to find oneself amidst a world that is eliminating what is the individual within the body. With practicing meditation we should be aware that mindfullness is the ultimate goal. To be aware of who we are, what we are doing and even why. Use meditation to comprehend what you are doing in life, whatever that may be.

These days during meditation my mind is far from vacant, but rather full of thoughts not in randomness but in structure. As we grow more familiar with meditation and its true meaning we will see that it enables us to put order to chaos in the human mind. We become clearer in thought and purpose. That is the art of meditation: to clear the mind of disorder and replace mindlessness with mindfullness. It is truly the awareness of thought.

The physical and psychological benefits of meditation have been realized by ancient civilizations for centuries and in more modern times, scientists, doctors and psychologists are realizing that meditation is a fundamental part of physical recovery and mental therapy along with modern treatments, medication and exercise. To doubt the positive impact of meditation in anyone’s life would be a great misfortune.

I cannot imagine my life without meditation. And for those who find themselves missing something in their lives, I highly recommend a look into meditation through whatever media channel you wish. There are numerous books, videos and cd’s about meditation and there is more than likely a wellness center that offers lessons where you live. Many health treatment centers and even hospitals now offer meditation to their patients and employees alike. There are also a wide variety of schools of meditation and each teaching their own perspective on methods, strategies and benefits, such as Transcendental Meditation, Insight Meditation, Transformation Meditation and many more.

My first meditation lessons were from a counselor and I went on to study it from books and online articles. As I continued to practice it at home I wanted a more enriching perspective so I took a teacher study course called Transformation Meditation and after completing the course I realized that I needed to help other people discover the benefits of meditation in everyday life. And that’s when I began working on a course that I could teach to interested clients as a spiritual adviser. Drawing from everything that I had learned over the years I came up with, “The Art of Meditation: The Awareness of Thought.” The following material is a basic outline of the content of my course, but it is not the actual course itself. I have found that the best way to learn meditation is to have someone sitting in front of you and actually teaching you how to do it.

What is Meditation?

Meditation is the practice of thought awareness. Many people believe that meditation is about eliminating the thought process all-together, but that’s not true. Meditation is about learning how to control the rapid thoughts in the mind by focusing one’s attention. For many practitioners this focus point is the breath. By counting each breath or keeping track of when you exhale and inhale, a person can take control of the roaming human mind. This time of clarity can have many health benefits both physically and psychologically. For someone who suffers from high blood pressure, this calming effect of meditation can help them control their blood pressure and when used in association with a patients diet, excerise and medication it can make their quality of life much better. Also someone with anxiety issues will find this state of relaxation incredibly comforting.

There are many approaches to achieving control of the mind during meditation, many methods to the goal of calm and eventually peace within oneself. For some people, sitting in one position for 15 minutes to an hour can be difficult. Meditation is not just about being still or motionless. There’s walking meditation for those who prefer active contemplation. Also, dance is a form of meditation because a performer focuses their attention on the routine and not about the million other things we often find ourselves thinking about throughout the day.

What do I need in order to meditate and where can I do it?

There are numerous aids that you can use when doing meditation. Personally, I like to listen to meditation cd’s also called new age music. These cd’s can be of slow paced orchestra performances or of natural sounds such as the ocean lapping against the shore. Many of the cd’s are of natural sounds musically enhanced with instruments like the flute, acoustic guitar, piano, harp and other peaceful instruments. I find these combination albums to be the most soothing and comforting and really help me reach a deeper state of relaxation, which will always make each meditation session worthwhile.

Another useful aid I use is scented candles. I have always been attracted to things that smell nice, they tend to make me more comfortable and calm. They also tend to remind me of different places and scenarios from throughout my life, each scent bringing back a different fond memory. For the most part, you want a scented candle that isn’t too overwhelming or powerful, but if you find one that you absolutely love and the scent has some type of sentimental meaning to you, like one that reminds you of your grandmother, then just place it a good distance from where you’ll being meditating. If you are not a fan of candles and want something a little more exotic or esoteric, then I suggest you explore incense. A brand that I use that is not too smokey is a Japanese style incense called Morning Star.

If you plan on doing sitting meditation or you have already tried it before and have trouble concentrating and your mind is fluttering from one thing to the next, try using an object of focus. Personally I have used candles, statues and flowers as a point of focus. Just place them in front of you and concentrate on their color, size, shape and any details they may have. Once you have given them a good review, close your eyes and try to remember what they looked like. Focus on the object and redraw it in your mind with your eyes closed so you don’t cheat. this practice will keep your mind from running all over the place and help you relax and calm down your mind.

For the most part I don’t do a lot of walking meditation, especially in the winter due to the weather. And sometimes the summer can become too hot for most people to do walking meditation outside. Any indoor facility is nice if it’s not too overcrowded. If your local activity center, YMCA or whatever is too crowded it will only hinder your walking session and add another distraction to an already distraction filled life. If the weather supports, most outdoor parks or community walking trails are your best bet for outdoor walking meditation. I am fortunate because I live out in the country on a farm, so privacy for me is not an issue and distractions are few and far between.

So my favorite meditation is sitting. I use a Zafu and a Zabuton. A Zafu is a round cushion, usually filled with buckwheat or other material, no larger than a foot or foot and a half in diameter that holds its shape when sat on and is placed either on a Zabuton or directly on the floor. A Zabuton is a large rectangular cushion, mine is about three feet by three feet, used in meditation along with a Zafu. Because the Zafu is only used to sit your backside on, your legs will hang over and rest on the floor. I’ve had the issue of the hard floor hurting my knees and ankles so I purchased the Zabuton and now I don’t have that problem anymore. So if you plan to meditate in a room with a hard floor, wood or very short rug fiber, I suggest that you also invest in a Zabuton and save your body the pain.

How do I actually do meditation?

I have broken down the different methods of meditation into the following categories:

Sitting Meditation: This type of meditation can be used in connection with the aid of sound such as meditation cd’s, a visual focal point like statues and burning candles. A person can also “watch” one’s breath, use prayer, chants or mantras and aromatic products like incense. There are many different sitting positions that can be used. Also a person may choose to sit in a chair, on a meditation cushion called a Zafu or may even wish to lay on the floor. Some well known positions are cross-legged (Indian style), the lotus position and the half-lotus position with legs resting one on top the other.

Walking Meditation: Meditation while walking can also be achieved by “watching” one’s breath, which simply means to be aware of exhaling and inhaling. Also keeping track of one’s steps, repeating a prayer or mantra or listening to an audio cd of nature sounds and orchestra music if the area in which you are walking is distracting. Preferably something not too distracting or that doesn’t encourage your emotions to fluctuate and doesn’t cause your thoughts to rapidly change.

Yoga or T’ai Chi: These two physical activities are also a type of meditation. I incorporate yoga into my weekly exercise regimen because the health benefits of proper stretching cannot be down played. I suggest investigating either of these two activities as they can be equally rewarding.

Sitting Meditation is probably the most common and a lot of people may have actually done meditation before and never even knew it. Some people have the idea that meditation is this magical dream state of semi-consciousness where you visit the spirit world, but really it’s nothing like that at all. If you have ever walked through a park and just took in the beauty of what’s around you, that’s a type of meditation. If you have ever driven in your car and visualized something specific outside of what you were doing or where you were headed, that’s another type of meditation.

Before beginning any sitting meditation session, make sure you are prepared and have everything in order. If you have chosen the perfect place in your home or wherever you plan to do this, make sure you will not be continuesly distracted. Give yourself atleast fifteen minutes of time per session. If this is your first time be prepared to be disappointed. Until one practices meditation for themselves it’s hard to know what to expect and usually our expectations are wrong, so my best advice for you would to be to have no expectations. Just let the experience happen, observe yourself and the experience. Some people find it useful to keep a journal of their meditation session. Think of it as a way to mark your progress and experiences along the way.

Meditation is often best utilized after a workout session or some other physical acitivity because beginners tend to be very fidgety and have trouble remaining still or focused enough to actually enter a state of meditation. If you find that it is impossible for you to remain still, then perhaps you should start with walking meditation.

Once you have a place, a time and any aids you wish to utilize then it is time to start your session. If you have purchased a cushion, find a sitting position you consider to be comfortable or one that you can hold for about fifteen minutes. Most people can sit indian style, but if you can attain the Lotus position then go with that.

Find a comfortable place to put your hands, whether that be in your lap, on your knees, wherever is most comfortable. Decide whether you want your hands facing up or down on your body. Try to keep your back straight. When I first started I didn’t think that it would matter whether my back was straight or bent over, but it really does make a difference. If you can’t keep your back straight on your own, use the side of your bed or some other object to support your spine. They do make meditation seats and chairs that help to support a straight back, perhaps give them a look. If you are doing this meditation session in a chair already, sit as far back into the chair as possible so that it will keep your spine straight, don’t slouch.

If sitting up straight is not an option for you then consider lying on the floor. Lay all the way down on the floor, with your head resting on a thin cushion if necessary, do not prop your head up as this will interupt the flow of energy in meditation. Keep your arms out from your body, but not way up by your head, just a comfortable distance from your sides. It’s your decision if you want your hands with palms up or down. Do not cross your legs or have your knees bent so that your feet are on the floor. Keep them outstretched so that your heels or the sides of your feet are touching the floor and that there is atleast a foot of distance between them.

When you are in the most comfortable of position, sitting or lying down, try just closing your eyes. Immediately you’ll have thoughts begin to race through your mind. That’s normal and it will happen no matter how hard you try to shut them out. Don’t get frustrated, just accept that it will happen and don’t get lost in them. When you find yourself paying attention to the thoughts and you are having trouble getting away from them, now would be time for you to utilize your aids. If you wanted to use a focus object, now is the time to concentrate on it.

If you don’t have an object and are having trouble with day-dreaming or rapid distracting thoughts, then use a visualization technique. A lot of people find it helpful to visualize a peaceful place where they would like to be alone. For some it is a peaceful garden, others it is an exotic island, some prefer an open field of wildflowers and others a mountain lake with a setting sun. Whatever offers you comfort or relaxes you, try to visualize it in your mind. Be careful not to allow this visualization to bring into your thoughts other things like where you may be going on vacation this summer and worries about the cost and airline concerns or a field trip the kid’s will be taking that you have to chaperon. Focus on the beautiful place you have invisioned, this is your place, your refuge from the havoc of life and daily troubles.

In this refuge there is no tight schedule, no work or hardship, only peace, calm and relaxation. Imagine the smell of the flowers in the field or the ocean mist as the waves lap against the shore. Imagine the tree frogs in the woods near the lake, the cool breeze as the sun begins to set on the horizen or how it shimmers on the clear waters gently lapping against the bank.

As you begin to feel relaxed from whatever aids you have used and in whatever position you feel most comfortable and as you have found a way to control the rapid thoughts, you have now opened the door to a great meditation session. Whatever follows, whatever your mind discovers, whatever you experience, just allow it to happen. Never force anything during meditation. If you do only have fifteen minutes to meditate, make sure you set a timer so that you don’t have to worry about what time it is. When the alarm sounds, open your eyes and just spend a couple minutes reflecting on what just happened. If you want to do the journal thing, now would be a great time to make an entry.

If you encountered the issue of being sleepy and felt yourself drifting off, consider using a different position or attempt your session at a different time of day. And if nothing happened at all and your session was uneventful, don’t worry about it. It happens to all beginners. Give yourself time and remember to be patient, this is a practice and it does require a little dedication and some determination. Once you get it right, it will be one of the most rewarding moments in your day.

Walking Meditation is fundamentally the same as sitting meditation, except for the obvious thing being the not sitting part! Like I have already mentioned, walking meditation is probably best done outside somewhere in a place you are less likely to be distracted. If you live in a city it will be more difficult to find a place of solitude. Your best bet would a park or walking trail. Once you can find a place to actually do this, the rest is pretty easy.

I think the hardest part to walking meditation is being able to clear your mind of countless and useless thoughts. I know that I often find myself thinking about what I need to do when I get back home and what work I have at the office to do. So for me it makes it easier if I just try to absorb the peace and serenity around me rather than try to manifest it in my head, after all you’re walking around and you don’t want to fall in a hole or walk into a pole. Your eyes are gonna be open anyways, why not focus on the pleasentness of the moment around you. It’s important to find a beautiful and peaceful place to do this. I think that is why it’s a far less common method than Sitting Meditation, it’s so hard for most people to not only find the place, but also the time to travel to this place and have a productive session.

If you can’t find a place of solitude for walking and you are bound and determined to try walking meditation anyway, then you will have to train your mind to shut out everything around you. Let’s say that you live in the city and your only option is to walk the streets. Obviously these streets are full of people talking, loud vehicles, the usual hussle and bussle of a city.

You can try using an MP3 player to listen to meditation tracks that you have synced to the device or you can just try to shut out the noise by concentrating really hard on visualizations. Honestly, it really is risky and not to mention dangerous to attempt to not pay attention to what’s going on around you. If you plan on crossing streets where there is traffic, you really need to consider what is or isn’t safe for you try. Other than sound you can also try counting your steps as you walk. Any aid that can get you to focus your thoughts or keep you from getting distracted would be key.

If you have the time and money, you may consider buying a treadmill. You’ll be able to walk and not worry about stumbling into poles or falling into holes. You will be able to listen to meditation cd’s or if you can find meditation videos/DVD’s you may be better off. The videos are usually of beautiful places like a beach or forest and if you have a larger size television they may help you visualize a place more peaceful while you are walking on the treadmill.

Yoga and T’ai Chi are another relatively common type of moving meditation. These don’t require you to travel anywhere and you can do them right in the privacy of your own home or if you prefer you can join a club or center that offers group classes. I don’t practice T’ai Chi myself, but from what I have seen it is not much different than dancing. Yoga on the other hand is something I do. At its core, it really isn’t anything more than glorified stretching with numerous positions, each having a name. So don’t let it’s exotic name turn you away. Like meditation, it only gets difficult as you advance through the different positions. Some are more difficult than others, but most people who are already in shape will not have any problems learning the beginning positions and progressing through to the more difficult ones.

As with any new physical activity you should consult your doctor before attempting it because you don’t want to get injured. And don’t rush yourself either, go at it at a controlled pace. Set up a workout regimen for each week. For instance, I do yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays and I strength train on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you have a personal trainer and you want to start doing Yoga, ask them how it would best fit into your personalized training sessions.

Other strategies and resources:

Some people who respond better to vocalization may consider using chants to reach a state of meditation. This can be quite the experience when you are able to join a group of other practitioners. If you are a particularly religious person, another great aid is prayer, afterall prayer in itself is another type of meditation. For those more intune with the Eastern practice, using mantras is also very beneficial. Personally, I don’t use mantras often, but when I do I use, Om Mani Padme Hum, which means “Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus.” It is pronounced, Aum-Mawnee-Podmee-Hum and it is the mantra for compassion. A person can also use bells to begin or end a meditation session.

If you have a local wellness center where you live, you can join a meditation class, which can make your experience all the more fulfilling and not to mention the benefits of sharing your experiences with other people who are interested in meditation. Also, an experienced teacher can help guide you through the practice and offer you helpful advice when you get stuck. Most instructors offer different levels of study so that beginners aren’t thrown to the wolves in a more advanced class where the subject matter may be too complex for someone who has never experienced meditation before.

Usually these classes are once or twice a week and usually last no more than a month or two and for those students/clients who wish to continue the group sessions after they have completed the course can return every week for a group session usually no longer than an hour in length. I’ve heard many people say that they look forward to their one hour escape from daily life each week and enjoy the group setting and socialization. At it’s core, meditation really is a type of therapy. A type of therapy from the stresses of everyday life, from past tramuatic experiences, recent or sudden grief from a death in the family and many other issues we all face throughout life.

Meditation Supplies:

http://www.zafustore.com/

http://www.lifescapesmusic.com/

http://www.woodwick.com/

http://www.yankeecandle.com/

Learn different types of Meditation:

http://www.transformationmeditation.com/

http://www.tm.org/

Useful books:

The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh

Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh

Creating Calm by Gill Farrer-Halls

Depression and Iron: A Love Story

February 28, 2010
Many years ago I picked up a barbell for the first time after watching my brothers do the same. It only weighed between 10 and 20 lbs, but this one instance would lead to many more for years to come and carry me through hardships I could have never anticipated.In my previous writings I have briefly mentioned how I used weightlifting to deal with personal problems and issues that I was facing. This writing will be completely about that, giving this subject the attention it deserves.

I was around the age of thirteen when I began utilizing weights. At this time in my life, I was just wanting to get stronger, any other effect of weightlifting was no acknowledgment of mine. I was by no means devoted, in fact there were many lapses where I didn’t lift weights or even workout at all. This inconsistancy continued for some three years.

By the time I was in high school, I found myself at odds with who I was, what I was doing in life. There were a wide array of issues I was facing, things I was going through and all these things I was going through inside myself were reflected onto my external self.

Everything from insecurity, loneliness, being judged and misunderstood, having no idea about my identity as an individual and battling memories that seemed to be coming from my past to haunt me in the present all forced me down a dark road smothered in depression and anger. Anger that I bottled up inside along with everything else and I became more introverted than I had ever been in my life. I found myself covered in a fog of silence that I would carry with me for years and that I still carry with me now.

All of this stuff was sealed up inside of me and the only way I vented was through words, something I learned way back in grade school, something that became heavily important to me in high school. But words are not enough, there must also be action. The mind needs to vent, but so does the body.

I was never involved in sports during high school, I had absolutely no interest in competition. And when high school was coming to a close and with seemingly no where else to turn, I started picking up that barbell again. This time around it was different though, it became more than just something to do. It had meaning, it had purpose, it had more than some physical reaction, it now also carried a psychological one.

Suddently I found myself enthralled in weightlifting. This wasn’t about bodybuilding, it wasn’t really about looks at all, though I did put on an impressive amount of muscle mass in a very short period, as do many beginners. Sure I loved the way I looked, but even more I loved the way it felt. By this time, it was already about four years after the first time I was suicidal.

Somewhere around 2005 and 2006 I found myself once again in a dark place with suicidal thoughts and even ended up in a psyche ward. After getting out, words and “iron” were the tools I put at my disposal. Anyone who knows what it’s like to battle depression knows how hard it is to stay active, to pull yourself up out of bed and fight your way through the day and all those emotions.

I got myself into a routine of working out almost every night of the week. I didn’t know anything about weightlifting and honestly I didn’t care about form or giving my body ample time to recover. I didn’t care about diet and what foods I should have been eating. All I cared about was how it made me feel. I found myself in an addiction and at that time, an unhealthy one.

I would stay up late, sometimes around midnight and I would weightlift and do a small amout of calisthenics for three and at times four hours, not ending until the early morning hours. I wasn’t getting enough sleep, but I didn’t care about sleep, I only cared about feeling pain. The chemical reaction from weightlifting or any exercise where your muscles are contracted to the point where lactic acid builds up was what I wanted. The pain was my fix and I fell in love with it. It made me feel alive, it was my release, like people who cut themselves.

This behaviour continued for about a year, during which time I developed a hernia. At this point I came to understand what it meant to go through withdraw. I found myself without my release, without a way to vent my frustrations and my anger because I had surgery to repair the hernia and I couldn’t work out for several weeks. This was hard to deal with, but I had no choice. I had to find a way to deal with my frustrations and anger in a way that didn’t involve causing myself pain. I had to learn how to forget and how to let go without hurting myself in the process.

During this ordeal of recovery I fell in love with meditation. Something immensely different than what I had found release in before, but something that equally changed me internally and in some ways externally.

Once I was well enough to return to lifting weights, I knew that I had to take a new approach. I had to do this the right way. During these years of my life, I was also on medications most of the time, trying to find one that would actually help me without serious side-effects. These drugs can change the way you feel and even the way you think. I wasn’t the best person with staying consistant, many times I would just stop taking them, which is dangerous to do because of how potent these drugs are.

One day in 2006 I branded my arm for numerous reasons. Obviously, I was still in a dark place and was still seeking release, but I branded a cross on my right forearm to remind myself where I came from, how far I had come, to remember all the things that I had been through up to that point. A constant reminder of my pain, not that I needed one. I wanted the future me to have something to look at and be reminded that my pain was more than just something in my head, it had physical consequences.

Six months later I had an artist tattoo another cross around the brand. This tattoo was in memory of someone killed in a car accident, but it was also at the time a symbol of how I found freedom through faith. Ironically, a faith that I would later walk away from.

2006 to 2008 was spent in cycles with weightlifting. At times I would be motivated and then lose motivation. Sometimes I would care about gaining muscle mass or to just be stronger and then other times I would care more about just being healthy. I no longer needed the pain of weightlifting to feel alive, so in many ways I no longer needed weightlifting in my life. There were many instances where I would only do calisthenics and do cardio like running. Running for me was often a way to get rid of the negativity I felt, making weights something I no longer needed. Eventually I started developing shin splints and I haven’t really gotten back into a running routine since.

Sometime in 2008 I fell back in love with iron. I began to like the physical results of my hard work and determination. I set myself up with a routine so that I could stay consistant. I sought knowledge so that I could do it the right way and avoid injury. I devoted my time and energy to it, setting aside time on certain nights and refusing to do anything else unless I worked out. I knew that my mind was in a better place and I wanted to make sure that my body was too. For me, being healthy involves the mind, body and soul. Each part needs to be taken care of appropriately.

In many ways I am back to being addicted to the iron again, but this time around I think it is a healthy addiction. It’s important for me to find an outlet for the daily frustrations of life, a positive way to get rid of life’s negativity. Depression isn’t curable, it’s only treatable. It bothers me daily and I need a way to fight back daily. Lifting weights helps me to keep going, it has taught me things about myself and it continues to teach me. I haven’t needed to be on medication since sometime in 2008. I challenge myself each night I weightlift, I challenge my limits and my willingness to achieve a goal.

It’s never easy and there have been a couple times where I didn’t feel like picking up the iron. I had to think about how I feel when I don’t do it, when I feel like crap about myself and then think about how I feel after a good workout which makes me feel good about myself cause I accomplished something. At that point there is no question that I have to push myself and do it no matter how tired I feel.

People who don’t weightlift, who aren’t into bodybuilding or strength training don’t comprehend just how complicated and deep all of this stuff is. It’s not all about physical results, we endure psychological change as well, even if we don’t intend to. In my opinion, it would do everyone some good to do a little strength training. A small amount added to any workout is beneficial when done the right way.

I have fallen in love with iron because it helps me deal with my depression. Without this outlet I would still be wandering blindly through the darkness. Psychologically this is a life and death issue in my opinion, doing nothing can lead me to a bad sate of mind. There are many things that have helped me along the way, from friends to writing, but weightlifting is definitely something that needs to be counted on that list. Exercise is such an important factor in battling depression.

Whatever your fight, I hope you find a way to battle it and I hope you never give up.

The Audacity of Individuality

March 21, 2010
Ever feel pressure to conform to the standards of a social group in which you are forced to be a member?

Well, I have and in multiple social groups. This writing is only about one of them, this is my middle finger to the gay world.

Two years ago I made the choice to embrace feelings I had towards other guys. The world has come to call these homosexual feelings. Little did I know that when I opened up about these feelings, I was putting labels all over myself that identified me as all kinds of shit.

Suddenly everything about me had to change, I was no longer a straight guy and therefore I had to put that stuff behind me, so I felt in order to be accepted by the gay world. I felt pressure to alter the way I dress, alter the way I presented myself, change my interests and the things I considered enjoyable, change the people I talked to, accept and embrace new ways of doing things, accept and embrace all the things that the world has come to recognize as homosexual, because since I admitted to having male-to-male feelings, I was now a homosexual and needed to act the part.

At first, I willingly accepted some of these new principles, assumed that it came with the territory. Like any other reasonable human being, I wanted to be accepted and welcomed into a social group in which I had expected to be a member of from there on out. I picked up new things, habits and traits, views and opinions. In essence, a new identity.

I have always been a stubborn person, hot-headed and head-strong on how I felt about things. Rub me the wrong way and you will know about it. It didn’t take me very long to realize that at least half of me was not willing to mold to the ideals of the gay world and so began a self-initiated conflict, partly with myself and partly with the gay world.

Who knew that embracing your feelings could lead to embodying the ideals of people you do not agree with. I was raised a certain way and this way does not fit neatly into the gay world. Saying that I am capable of finding other men attractive, saying that I have the desire to be in a partnership with another dude, had consequences that I was not capable of foreseeing.

The assumptions and the labels thrown at me by the outside world (people outside the LGBT) can be devastating, irritating, enraging, disgusting and ignorant. Sometimes the assumptions and labels thrown upon you by the LGBT can be just as pathetic in my opinion. Living in the median, between the gay world and the non-gay world, I get shit from both sides. I’m neither gay enough and nor am I straight enough to live in/be accepted by either world.

And many times, what can piss me off just as much, is when someone patronizes me about the whole thing or even suggests that they understand how I feel, and then turn-around and partake in the opposite of what they say. As if pretending to be something you’re not is somehow gonna make me like you. This has happened in the gay world far too often, as if I say these things about myself for flair or for intrigue, something I wear to draw in attention. This conflict is real, never pretend to understand that to gain my favor. In short, don’t tell me you are one thing and then act otherwise.

How the gay world sees itself and how the straight world views the gay world can often times be an immensely different picture. If anything, I have learned that in my time on the fence. It would seem in my eyes that if both sides would just listen to each other’s views and opinions, they would quickly learn that misunderstanding and lack of knowledge is the massive divide that prevents a bridge of tolerance. No one needs to give-up their values and opinions, no one needs to be best friends or embrace each other, platonic love is a fake love, I only ask for tolerance, nowhere in that word’s definition does it call for anything more than the peaceful acceptance of the others existence.

I observe like few others. It’s how I learn things. So let’s talk about the darkness that I have found in the gay world, a world full of materialism, judgement, drugs, sex, back-biting, self-indulgence, shallowness, secrecy, lies, pedophilia, attention lust and the emotional and psychological issues that abound.

It is absolutely no wonder to me, how so many straight people, especially those in certain Christian groups view homosexuality in a negative light. There’s plenty of negativity in the gay world to go around. It can be a pretty sick and vile world, a disgusting way of life, a chosen deprivation. Because the gay world is so open about itself, acceptant of it’s sexual nature, it attracts the roaches of this world, it offers them a safe haven full of the things they hunger for. Like roaches to a dumpster, the gay world lures in the sickest, creepiest, most disgusting people I have ever laid witness to. And the worst thing of all is that no one in the gay world says anything, no one keeps these people at bay or in check, they just go seemingly unnoticed, permitted to exist. Tolerance and equality are one thing, but there is no excuse for the activities of these people/animals.

It is this part, the dark part of the gay world that degrades all of us. It is this view, this assumption that the gay world is full of only these types people. That we all practice these activities, that we all engage and embrace the dark things I have mentioned above. The gay world knows it isn’t true, I know it isn’t true, but if no one talks about it, if no one fights against it, then nothing will ever change. The gay world is so convoluted in it’s principle of being all-acceptant that it’s killing itself from the inside out.

The morals and ethics of the gay world are in question. I stand here and say, they should be in question. There is absolutely no confusion in my mind as to why the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is so quickly thrown at the gay world. There is a lack of integrity, a lack of self-control, a lack of dignity, a lack of self-respect, a lack of a lot of things.

If it were up to me, the gay world would be a lot more like the straight world. Which, yeah I know isn’t all that great itself with its porn addiction, drugs, pig-headed sexist views, etc; but I think it’s a little better than the gay world. I could be stabbed with a drag’s stiletto for saying this, but I think the gay world needs a little more Conservatism.

It is for these ideals and opinions that I feel shunned by the gay world. I can’t blame them and I’m honestly not complaining because in many ways I’d rather not be associated with it. It doesn’t entirely represent me or my thoughts, actions and words. I’m tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not, tired of feeling like I have to change myself to attain the favor of other people. I’m different and that’s just me, I am an individual with my own beliefs and opinions and there’s no reason to give that up and become spineless.

It would seem that in this day and age, so much of our individuality is lost.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

A Little Something on Self-Acceptance

December 8, 2009

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I love who I am and what I am as a person, as a human being and as a man. And while I say that I accept me for me, I also realize that I don’t entirely know who I am. However, having the will to accept myself, also means that I accept who I am today and that I am open to and capable of accepting who I will be tomorrow. I am on a life long journey of self discovery, meaning I constantly discover new things about myself. With these new discoveries comes a sense of satisfaction in knowing that I am more than a face and more than a name.

I may discover things about myself that I didn’t anticipate or expect to find, but that doesn’t mean I hate myself or can’t accept who I am. My turmoil stems from not yet knowing what I am, not yet knowing to which gender my heart is available to. Without that knowledge I am condemned to the fear of breaking the hearts of those who are willing to love me, man and woman alike.

There was a time in my youth where I absolutely hated who I was. Sections of my life’s timeline where I was not willing to accept myself and fought against the nature of my own being to please the people around me and to please my own vision of what type of man I was supposed to be and wanted to be.

Those sections of my life were filled with nights where I would cry until I fell asleep because I never felt like I was good enough for other people. By their images and standards, I felt as though I fell short. That I was never good enough for them. And so I came to believe that I was also not good enough for myself. So I created a mask and a persona to suit the needs of other people.

That mindset existed within me until the time I graduated from high school, when finally I felt accepted for who I was and not for who other people wanted me to be. It was a collective moment of clarity, a release from the chains that myself and other people bound me with. And I haven’t looked back. Not until recently.

Being open about your feelings, also makes you vulnerable. You have to take off your armor for people to see who you are. It’s a risk and often times it has been a painful risk for me. In accepting who I am, I am determined to live as me and not hide myself in the fear of what other people think. And it’s when their thoughts oppose my life and my choices that pain follows because it tests my own will to accept myself.

When people you loved and cared for can no longer accept you, you cannot help but wonder whether you have made the right decisions. In that, however, I am flawed; for I focus far too often on what I have lost and not enough on what, or rather who, remains at my side.

In this knowledge I was rekindled with the notion that I have made the right decisions. That indeed, one must come to know and love oneself, long before anyone else can ever truly love them. Otherwise you surround yourself with false love that is destined to abandon you as you grow, change and eventually find your real self and the true path you were always meant to travel.

So while I have come to accept the man that stares back at me in the mirror, I know that my journey is far from over. Many things still linger that I have not yet been able to face. I still don’t know where my life is headed, the direction that I am meant to walk. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with my life or how to find the motivation to figure that out. There are many things that I would like to do, but I have always felt as though I will never have enough time and the fear of making the wrong choice often makes me lose focus.

And finally, the thing that causes me the most conflict. The claiming of my heart. Some may find reason to say that this is where I still have acceptance issues. I don’t agree with that. For me, this is not about acceptance as much as it is about understanding myself. I am willing to accept myself no matter what gender I am capable of loving.

Trouble is I still have no clue which gender I want to be with. I like them both for different reasons and so there’s pros and cons to each of them. It’s hard enough trying to find the right girl or guy, but when you don’t even know if the person is a guy or a girl, you just feel as though the cards are stacked against you.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

A Portal to My Mind

October 12, 2009

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A Portal To My Mind

I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”

We live among so much meaninglessness, material things of a false value. Possessions of emptiness.

We are but beings wandering paved roads, trying to justify ourselves and our journey in life. We laugh and we cry, we love and we lose. We know greed and envy, we feel compassion and regret.

Still, we wander on in search of something more. When we think we have found what we seek, we soon yearn for more.

On a paved circle, almost all of us walk, endlessly with hope for something more. We dream of it and yearn for it so desperately.

We seek answers from men and gods. We shed blood for truth and still we are without answers.

I stand upon dirt and stone, things without life and I ponder their origins. I look up to the sky and contemplate the birth of the stars.

My mind runs wild with theories, but I have no proof.

I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”

Closing my eyes, I open my mind to all that I have learned, all that I have seen, heard and touched. My consciousness expands and in one moment I feel everything that I have ever felt in my lifetime.

Every kiss on my lips, every drop of blood that has flowed from my hands, every laugh, every heartache and tear, every gentle embrace and every harsh word, every cut and every bruise, every dawn and every dusk, every rainfall and the scent of every flower, every dream realized and every hope forsaken, every memorable moment flashes through my mind.

In this moment I am one with every human being. We all feel these things, endure the pain and the joy of life. We suffer hardships and enjoy pleasures. We experience many different things in our lives all around the world because our environments are not all the same, but within us we all feel and respond to those things in the same ways. We remember them all.

I open my eyes again and despite the river of emotion that has flowed forth from me, I am still without an answer, I still ask myself, “What is the meaning of life?”

In time we all grow old, age it comes upon us all like the cold of winter. We grow weak and feeble, our bodies begin to fail us. Our minds slip and eventually we forget who we were. The universe takes us back and the energy that was our life is redistributed into the circle of life. Where there is a beginning, there is an ending and where there is an ending there is a new beginning.

Such a cycle must exist with a purpose. Some type of order within this chaos.

The wind begins to blow and gently presses against my body on this cold night. There is some kind of comfort in the chill of this moment, the air awakening the skin on my face. The silence of darkness is a place that I have come to call home.

There is so much distraction in the human world that we forget to just be. To take in all that surrounds us. We worry so much about money, about school, our jobs, the clothes we wear or the objects we own. We worry about the stock market, we worry about the world economy, about the hate among men of many nations. These are such trivial things in the scheme of a greater universe. We are all so blinded by what we think is important, by the mediocre existence of the global human being.

And again I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”

As in life and on this night, I feel alone in the contemplation of greater things. We fear what has been and fear what may come, still nothing ever seems to change. The tracks within our minds keep taking us in the same direction. We keep searching out into the world for better things, for answers and peace. Some kind of harmony we hear in the distance, it calls to us like a light in the darkness summons the moth.

Like mirages in the desert, we think that just beyond the horizon there is hope and satisfaction, some kind of safety from the horror that is our lives.

Always away from us, always out of reach and in the distance exists the answer to our problems or so we think. We say all the “what if’s” and all the “if only’s”. We wish and we dream for so much more, that by some miracle what we think we lack will come into our lives.

Some believe that the answers they seek lay far beyond the sky and into the heavens. That life has no meaning other than to test the soul of a man. To be judged by their deeds and gain access to heaven or hell, the true realms of existence. I, however, beg to differ.

And so I continue to ask, “What is the meaning of life?”

Life is undoubtedly a journey. A journey to find oneself, not to prove oneself, but to find oneself. There is nothing wrong with seeking answers, to find reasons in our suffering and our joys, but I feel as though the only reason for these things is that we are alive. That is why we endure these things, we are alive. It’s just a part of existence.

And the only direction we need to wander is inward. Everything that we seek is inside of us. It just takes moments where we can jump off the tracks of life and stand still, take in what is around us and just be without a cause.

That is my meaning of life – no meaning. I simply live to live. I am here to endure life. To feel pain, to feel joy, to love and to regret. I don’t know what will happen when I die, but I don’t need to know in order to live. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I go to bed at night just the same without that knowledge. Sure I have dreams for a better world like everyone else and I do what I can to better the lives of those around me, but I am not the master of this universe, I am only the master of myself.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

The LGBT Community vs. The Rest of Society

July 18, 2009

The LGBT community is kind of a paradox to me. I think it’s great that people of similar struggles can come together to support eachother, but I see this ax as double edged. I think that in its efforts to offer support to its members it also causes a rift between the LGBT community and the rest of society. In ways, it separates LGBTs from the general populace. Isn’t the goal to assimilate lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders into society; to accept them as a part of society?

Who’s idea was it to use rainbows and pink triangles as emblems of gay pride anyways? Why has it become a media spectacle? It has become a fad, a movement within popular culture. In my opinion it is alienating itself from its original purpose. And now society, outside of the LGBT, has this notion that all “queers” are like they see on television and in movies. People are getting the wrong image of what gays, lesbians and bisexuals are really like. We have become characterized and stereotyped. And because of this, people who are not comfortable with what they see through the media, are now forced to conclude that they are not okay with and are against the entire LGBT community.

I believe that both nature and nurture, that dna and environment, shape people. As the media portrays the LGBT community in one color, from one point of view or through one facet, the world comes to the conclusion that the LGBT is exactly that. Young lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders are fooled into believing that they must be this one certain way, that they must grow and become what they see because they are not shown anything else and know no other facet of what it means to be who and what they are. Biologically, they are made gay, straight or someone inbetween, but environmentally they are shaped into what that truly means. I believe what they have been molded into is wrong.

Heterosexuals are people who are attracted physically and emotionally to the opposite gender. Homosexuals are people physically and emotionally attracted to the same gender. Bisexuals are people stuck somewhere/anywhere inbetween those two. There could be physical attraction to one gender and an emotional attraction to the other gender and there could also be both attractions to both genders. Because homosexuals and bisexuals have been thrown underground for so long and heterosexuality has been the key force in depicting what it means to be in a relationship, the other two know no other way to act than what has been molded by heterosexuals as normal.

By all that I mean a relationship is still socially understood as a partnership between a man and a women. Each of which is represented by gender roles. The man is the provider, protector, is physically strong, blah, blah blah and the female is nurturing, compassionate, vulnerable, blah, blah, blah. To me, all that crap is not biological. Look into the rest of the animal kingdom and those gender roles are not the norm. In birds of prey, it is usually the female that is stronger, bigger, the physical leader and provider in the relationship. In ants, spiders, elephants, some rodents, the female is the dominant one. Our society has decided that the male is the dominant one. Well, it did at one time, things are changing now days, but you get my point.

So in homosexuality and bisexuality you have this paradox. When there’s two males or two females, who directs the relationship? Who fills which role? I think because of society, this paradox has been approached with the butch and bit** theory. That one man or woman is feminine and the other man or woman is masculine. And thus was born the dyke and the queer, the butch girl and the bit** boy.

In my opinion, flamboyant gay guys and masculine women are not biological. I think they are created by society. They become those things as they grow up and attempt to find their “role” in society and in their relationships.

I, however, ask why? Why does it have to be this way? Why does one partner have to rule the other? Can it not be a true partnership? And why does society think that masculine gay guys or bisexuals have to be with feminine gay guys? Is not the theory behind homosexuality that men are attracted to men and women to women? Sounds like gender roles throw a wrench into that theory if you ask me.

So to wrap this topic up, I ask you this: How much of heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality and the whole LGBT community is really biological and how much of it is actually sociological/psychological?

The Inheritance of Peace: Here and Now

November 2008

Years have gone by much faster than I can control or wish they would.  The sun rises and sets and I feel as though I am falling away, drifting in a current I can’t swim against.  Every morning I awaken knowing that thousands of people will die as I complete my routine of mediocre every-day life.  As the sun rises above the horizen and bleeds into the sky of dawn, I ponder the horrors that it bears witness to.  When shaving is the most physically painful activity of my day, I think about the savage murders taking place all around the world and the pain those people must be feeling.  I stare into the mirror and I question the right I have to live here and now, for the most part, free of these things, alone I cry for people I have never met.

Through the eyes that I bear and from beyond the bars to the prison that is my mind, I bear the guilt of knowing the freedom I have.  The waking hours of my life, spent in disregard of how lucky I am and the shame of knowing I have the power within me to create one more stone on the road of human destiny that leads to the door of a greater understanding of human compassion.  One pulse, one chance to change the life of every child waiting to inherit a world far darker than the nightmares that petrify them.  Far darker because this world is reality, a life far more fragile, here and now, than one conceived in any dream.

In every moment of silence throughout my day, the things that people endure passes through my mind.  Like photos in an album, slides in a projector, a vision of the legacy that we will leave behind us.  Alone I am brought to the knowledge of what exists here and now.

When the rush of my life is at full force, when someone cuts me off in traffic on my way to work, when someone doesn’t take the split second required to hold the door open for the person behind them, I come to realize what has happened here and now.  We walk in silence aside people we have never met, we glance into their faces as we pass and we never say a word, ignoring them as if they were inanimate objects, obstructions to our day’s agenda.  Have you ever pondered where they have been and what they have seen in their lifetime?  Have you ever smiled at them in the hope that you could make their day better with something so trivial?

I am asked over and over why I live my life in such distress?  People tell me that I need to let things go, to live for the joys and blissful moments of life, stop being so down and depressed, forget the troubles of my past and overlook the things that go wrong.  To these people I would like to ask, “Why should I dance in the streets while the city burns all around me?”

Forgetting and ignoring what exists all around us is the easy way to carry on in the belief that perhaps human life is not so bad.  Could you imagine someone covering their eyes while someone else is murdered, simply so they don’t have to deal with the pain and stress of that tragedy?  Believe it or not, most people do this everyday…

Attempting to be aware of what happens in this world is my way of remembering that I’m not here for myself.  Too many people live like a herd of wild animals.  When a predator comes upon them they all freak out and run in the same direction as the person in front of them.  And behind them someone else falls and in that instance everyone else knows or believes that person will perish and to turn back would be suicide.  It is this mentality that has led us to where we are here and now.  Leaving them behind to fend for themselves.  What happens the next time when it is you who falls behind, how is that scenario any different?

A world lacking in awareness is a world that will fail at every endeavor.

So many times I wish that I had the power to change the entire world in one move.  I know that this is not possible, not on my own.  This is an effort that requires at the very least the vast majority of the human race.  Many say that I am nieve to believe that world peace is ever possible, loving-kindness is a song only sung in fairy tales.  With these words I am heart-broken because it is with these words that I know they have given up without trying, too affraid to try because they know it will call upon them to make some type of sacrifice.  I say that the greatest failure in life is not what we don’t achieve, but rather what we do not attempt.

I feel as though I sit alone on this island of awareness in an archipelago, stranded by an ocean of chaos and death from everyone else, an ocean that needs to be overcome here and now for life to truly flourish.  A bridge must be built to every island, but it cannot be done by my hands alone. Each of us have been given a gift, a method to begin building a network of passage to every island. With this pen I spill out on paper the very cause of my existance, the very cause of everyone’s existance.  In bottles I stuff these letters of my soul and send them out into this hazardous ocean in the hopes that they will reach all whom bear my sorrow.

To make things less poetic, each island is the heart of one human.  Separated we are by the hate, anger, violence, lust and all the negative things of this world, represented by an ocean of chaos and death.  The bridges we must build are those to eachother as people, a link to every heart.  A connection made to create something, an ideal, that we have lost to time.  Something called the unified heart of mankind.  And with this we can start creating global peace here and now.

At Peace With Goodbye

June 2007

Remembering you is never enough to smother the flame above my heart, memories of what has been will never be suffice to subside my desire to touch you one last time. Photographs of you do your presence no justice, this paper form of you only makes my eyes feel dry, no taste of you for my tongue to be satisfied. The flashing reels of your past are nothing like your stride in living form, those movies of what you were fail to make you real again. The warmth of your hand cannot and will not, ever be duplicated. Even in my dreams your voice is shaken, your skin a little colder and your eyes glossed with an eerie hologram of a window once giving me insight into who you really were. Destiny brought us together and fate took us apart. We were two halves of the same whole, we were like yin and yang; different and yet the same.

One last time, I’ve begged to hold you so many times since you left. In the violence of madness you passed away from me, never giving me the chance to tell you how I really felt, forever now I must endure the repetition of what I wanted to say. The glass tore you away from me, from the cuts your blood spilled, but so did your soul, taking back that which was given eighteen years ago. Tossed and tumbled, shaken to the core of what it means to be awake and aware. Like a nightmare everything was wrong, nothing was as it should have been. Cracking, crushing, breaking, bending, and smashing all overpowering like water in your ears, nothing beyond your skin ever became reality until it all stopped. Suddenly it was over, dust settled, glass broke nevermore, the vehicle slid into stillness, the beating of an ever slowing heart overcame everything else until it also ceased.

Coming to terms of a life without you has been like a story I’m reading, a place and a time that I don’t exist in, this isn’t real, this is just a bad dream. Never again, while I breathe, will my hand hold your own. No more whispers, no more secrets, no more smiles, no more tears from you; just mine vanishing in the sunlight while the curtain is called upon this stage called life, letting go is the hardest thing to do.

Here I am without cause, without hope, holding nothing but my own guilt, my own selfish thoughts. You weren’t supposed to be taken away from me, how do I move on, this isn’t fair! The smell of your hair, the scent of your perfume, they linger in my head, and sometimes I swear you are there, somehow always in the corner of my eye, never within my vision no matter how fast I turn my head. So vacant, so empty is my soul, so alone and so afraid to travel beyond what I know, what I feel, what I remember.

Every step that I take, I listen for your’s, following in some kind of cadence, replaying in my head over and over, like some kind of celestial orchestra; treading so light on our feet, this is what I want, this is heaven, this is all I need to exist; rain, sun, wind, nothing broke the perfect peace of you at my side so long ago this was nirvana. Now the thoughts plague my life like a virus, nothing heals, nothing can fill the holes I bear. Don’t tell me that hobbies will pass my time, no new joy will blend away the loss, laughter will not soothe my hurt! Each scar, every birthmark, I marked down on my map of your very being, trotting the globe of your divine nature, this is borderline obsession, to hell with the earth – you’re my world, I want to live here like this forever. That was my dream. Now time has passed and so have you, age has come unto me like a northern wind giving me chilled recollections of a warmer yesterday, where the sun in my eyes didn’t bother me while next to you. Giving up my senses was nothing, your presence I could feel on a whole different level, somewhere within me, somewhere close to my pounding heart.

But this is it, hate, pain and misery must pass along with you. I must learn to live again, death took you, not me. I was meant to go on, reunite with you when I’m done here, learn other lessons less painful. Wait for me beyond the stars above, on the other-side where peace and love abound, far from my comprehension, somewhere outside of time and space. I know you’re not here though I feel you, and that’s enough for me to find strength in, that’s enough for me to live off. I know it’s not fair and I don’t like it, but I have to live again, my heart beats on at a different pace, but the sun continues to rise and fall, my eyes open and close and open again, for a lifetime in this cycle, somewhere in between I have to come to terms with the truth. Death is a wretched thing, but it’s a fact of life, no man can defy the grip of mortality nor no woman. We all have a time limit, we all have a given number, we have to do a lot more than sit around and wait for it to be called. I don’t want to sit and wait, let it be a surprise, why ruin the fun of life. We live beyond physical forms, something within lives on, somewhere out of sight, death will come, but life moves on.

Letting go does not mean forgetting, it simply means living life again with the lost in our hearts rather than haunting us in our heads. It is time for me to say farewell, I need to be at peace with your absence, I need to be at peace with goodbye.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

Knowing the Road Ahead

May 2007

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Knowing the Road Ahead

By the time I wake up, the sun has already begun to rise and cast its morning rays through my southeastern window. The sun is warm as it passes through the glass and onto my face. Everything is blurry as I blink and use my knuckles to wipe the sleep from my eyes. Staring out the window I can see the leaves and branches in the trees swaying past the sunlight almost making the sun flicker in my eyes. As if the birds were distant, the walls of my room make their songs muffled and I can barely hear them, even as I lay silently in the dawn.

Rising from my resting place, my mind spends a moment trying to remember what happened last night. Like an old rusty train, it takes a while to pick up speed and undertake the difficult replay of memories from a night that seems to have been a dream, so far away. Not because of its splendor, or because it was all that great, but just because I lose my thoughts of yesterday. They seem so fleeting anyways, might as well not spend too much time pondering them.

Throwing back the covers I attempt to rise up from my resting place, but as I look back at it I am drawn to return to it. It seems so inviting, so promising of peace. Its warmth begs me to return, to just lay down a little longer, spend a little more time in its presence. Its so persuasive that I, just for a moment, relapse back into a state of grogginess and once more lay my face into my pillow’s soft touch as it reminds me that the world of dreams is so much better a place than reality.

At least there I can walk under an eternal sun, never more hot than I want it to be, a place where it never rains more than it needs to, a place where wishes come true only if you mean them, where friends never die and enemies never live. A place where my hands never lose their grip, where I can marry Cleopatra, climb Mt. Everest without true effort and fly without wings anywhere I want. My bed promises all these things to me, if I just give it the only thing it wants… my freedom. It begs me to spend my life in its company, never leaving, never waking from my slumber.

Then as I’m about to grant it that very promise, I realize that a life of perfection, would be the worst life to live. The neurons in my brain fire a signal to my arms, back and legs. Slowly, but surely, I rise up once more, beginning the battle of daily life, not because I have to, but because I choose to. The muscles in my body strain, and I awaken fully to the day that awaits my presence. I know that it will require effort and I know that there will be more choices to be made, but none as vital as deciding to live…

In life, I have come to expect nothing, because every time I do, it always changes and I am proven wrong. But to give up on trying to understand life, would give me nothing more to look forward to. This is me, this is what I have chosen to seek out. Understanding life is an endless road, but perhaps that is what calls me unto it, maybe that’s what makes me get up and carry on. I try everyday to contemplate something new, to investigate its existence, its truth. No stone should be left unturned, live with no regrets; that whole cliche has a lot of truth to it. I know, not in my mind, but in my heart that to make a decision not to undertake something that calls you forth, merely because you fear it, will only leave you wishing that you had in the end. Perhaps that is what I fear the most, to move on in life having not done something and regretting it always gives me this empty feeling. But knowing that the only moment you have to undertake that task or trial has passed away, those are the regrets that hurt me the most, the ones I fear enduring.

So many times in life I have made the decision to not do something and after it is all said and done, I am left in the dark full of regret and I know that I have made a mistake. A man’s greatest fear is the hardest thing he will ever have to overcome; my greatest fear is having to make a major decision and then making the wrong one. It’s what has held me back so much in life. It’s a wall that, at times, I don’t think that I can climb. For as much as I speak of doing the right thing, finding courage and faith, for all the writing I do about living life the right way and having an open mind, it is so difficult to actually live those things. I’m reminded of the Frog vs. Toad scenario. The frog is quick and courageous, he doesn’t waste his life thinking to long about anything, he is all about action. The frog leaps before he thinks. The toad on the other hand is slow and curious, he doesn’t do anything without contemplating the positives and negatives, he’s a thinker. The toad thinks before he leaps. I’m definitely a toad, but in life I find it necessary to be a frog also.

This chapter, Knowing the Road Ahead, is all about how to look ahead to where you’re going and what to expect. A lot of life is spent on looking back at our pasts and sometimes even reliving them, if only for a moment. What we don’t always do is learn from them. As we re-examine our pasts we are able to see patterns. These patterns allow us the unique ability to change the course of our futures, maybe not entirely, but enough to steer them clear of regret. By studying what has been and applying those facts to our life, by comparing what has been to what is, we can discover the path our lives will take. In this way we can restructure our tactics and adjust our methods appropriately, so that we can live our lives without regret to the best of our abilities.

Breaking life down into a day to day comparison, we can see how similar each day is. This is especially easy if you live your life in a routine! Everyday we are offered moments or we find ourselves in situations where we can change our lives. Some of these things can lead us to a better life and some of them will lead us to chaos. In my life I find that more often than not, the situations that I fear, the ones that I try to avoid, end up being rather nice, once I find the courage to undertake them. With this pattern in mind, I have forged myself a tool, one that can give me two outcomes. A) I can learn something from life that will enhance my sense of being and ultimately reforge my life’s purpose, or B) create for me a chance to learn the pains of life that, in the end, make you stronger if you take them in stride or if you don’t find courage, will lead you down a very dark road. Whether or not you are willing to take this chance is 100% up to you. As I see it, to make a mistake and learn from it is better than never having made the mistake and thus never having been able to learn from it. For me, learning from life (the good and the bad) is what living is all about.

The most difficult part of grasping those moments in life is finding the courage to actually embrace them, if not at times – seek them out. I know as well as anyone that the road of life is the hardest one to partake on, but if there’s nothing else that I could say to encourage you to actively pursue the journey of life, then let it be this, “It is in the trials and fortunes of the human experience that we come to discover the truth of life, in every tear and every smile we are enlightened a little more on the human condition and as we open our minds to the heart of mankind we are endowed with the most great peace that no facade of darkness shall ever breach; but first in order to do this, we must rise up.”


 

 

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