Long December

Long December

Another long December has come again, another year of trying to forget the way you made me feel, another year of trying to forgive myself for what I let happen, another year of searching for ways to finally heal.

Another long December of regretting the night we laid in a hotel bed, you left me there alone but the memories still persevere, I knew I’d never see you again from the sinking feeling of dread, as you walked to the door so cavalier.

Another long December of remembering how I fell to the floor from the words she said, it was Christmas Eve and you asked your ex-fiance to break-up with me on your behalf, as you didn’t have the courage to say it to me yourself instead, an act so true to your nature of being cowardice riffraff.

Another long December of hating you and hating myself more, I haven’t dated another person since you left me 8 years ago, when I watched you walk out of that fucking door, not knowing how bitter I’d become or how cold I’d grow.

Another long December and I’m still emotionally vacant, another year of not letting anyone get past my wall, my heart may still be there but my love is latent, I just can’t bring myself to trust anyone at all.

Another long December of wondering where at night you rest, lingering thoughts of how much more time in jail you’ve spent, or if there’s still a warrant out for your arrest, or if your daughter even remembers that you’re still her parent.

Another long December of seeing your face on everyone, of foolishly thinking you’ll find your way back to me, as if somehow seeing you again will undo what you’ve done, like we could just start over so easily.

Another long December of ghosts and sunsets, another year of an untouched pillow and a cold sheet, of hopelessness and unhealthy mindsets, longing for a place and a time where our hands could meet.

Another long December of wanting to believe that this time could be different, that this time I’d be the only one and there’d be no silence and secrecy, that your ex-fiance won’t get involved and be so belligerent, perhaps she’ll finally let go of you and her jealousy.

Another long December of constant delusional thought, of confusing who you were with who I wanted you to be, I need to stop being so hung-up and distraught, to find a way to finally let go and be free.

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