My Heart in the Sun

August 2008

sunrise

My Heart in the Sun

So long ago a journey to forget all the things that I had remembered, began with the kiss of poison in a cup.  Embarked upon in the name of hope and peace, like banners in the sky, flaunted like idols on my alter of redemption.  Blood and sweat and tears flowed forth from me, a current of torment and despair; like a spring in the bedrock – my soul broke open and washed away the costumes that I wore.  Battered and bruised, all that remained was everything I didn’t want to see.  But it was a cleansing that was destined to come, a moment of truth – trial by fire, a scar had to form to guard me from the venom of the world.

Suddenly it was all so different, everything that I perceived and every recollection; the touch of evil that I had felt – the black hand of darkness that came upon me in the night and that had left me stained, broken and used, was lifted and I slipped away from the depths of that hell; away from that dreaded place in time.  But the touch of every human hand afterwards burned with the possibility of the same betrayal – a chance of pain once again.  Like a photographic memory, every touch made me see the darkness that had embraced me so long ago; haunting me from a far away place, reaching through the portals of time and space and into my life once again.  And it hurt every time just like the first time – the crawling of my flesh, an aching in my heart, a crumbling in my soul – taking me to the point of no return.

The beckoning of something better, a yearning to be loved for everything that I was and for nothing that I was not, pulled at the strings connected to my heart.  A twinkling of light and truth and honesty, the dawning of hope and peace just beyond the horizon.  It flashed in my eyes, a shock to the system, an awakening to enlightenment.  My soul was given wings, but my feet remained in the past – a prisoner of time bound by memories and I didn’t want to let go for that was the hardest thing to do.

I wanted to live, to live for the first time in my life because I had never lived as me before.  I wanted to be seen and heard and known as me and never again hide in the shadows of shame, guilt and distrust.  All that I had been was waxing away into the past where it belonged, I was coming out of death from the desert – for the promise of paradise, an Eden within my mind.

The essence of my soul was ignited by the spark of opportunity – the moment I’d been dying for – a chance to taste the sweetness of someone else’s lips, to feel the compassion of someone else’s hand, to feel the beating of someone else’s heart.  Who’s to say that I was wrong, lost in a fog of illusion, easily led astray by the seduction of humanity?  To love to live and to live to love – some type of alchemical nirvana to my soul – a drug for the mind, a rush of something primal through my body.  I finally felt awake, I was finally alive.

But time has never been on my side, rather a monkey on my back – reminding me that this is just a rain drop in the ocean, a momentary state of bliss in a film never-ending.  But every mile that I have walked, every fall that I have taken and every point along the way that I got back up is a testament of my will to survive.  Like a charm in my hand, a token of my dreams, a secret to the world that I want to tell, for I have now found the gem of peace, hope and love…

A lotus grows within the swamp, a place full of filth and dying things, but it pushes up through the wasteland of its existence in the knowledge that it lives for the sake of living and nothing more.  It knows that all the effort is worth it in the end – those moments of bliss in an eternity of change with storms, pollution and neglect.  For the rains will always wash away the filth, the wind will always blow away the storms and the sun will always give the lotus energy to continue.

I have fallen for the sun as a reminder that time continues and that change will always be.  I have fallen for the sun as a beacon of hope, a source of peace in it’s power and love in it’s warmth.

The connected spirit knows no distance and neither does the sun – love unbound and without end – the universal language of the world.  My heart is in the sun and my love  shines unbroken down upon the world and into the face of pain and hate.  Blinding away the misery of our own human neglect, casting away the darkness of every tortured past, a kiss of love upon your lips, dancing in your eyes – a momentary wish for something better that I have granted.  Enveloping you in warmth, protecting you from the cold chill of loneliness, a gentleness upon your shoulder – a reminder of my loyalty and trust.  A beacon of hope to you as I breach across the horizon even after the darkest night that you have ever known, a source of peace given to you through my unrelenting power and the truth of my unconditional love that I have placed upon your very heart.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

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About Kephen

I am a writer who happens to be a pantheist living in the heartland of America. I write about everything that interests me, from Zen Buddhism to depression and mental illness, society and civil rights to the LGBT community and the personal meanderings of my life. To learn more about me just check out my blog.
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