Keep You: Part Two

March 19, 2011

You are so shy and so quiet, never wanting to be noticed.  Painfully introverted, you carry out entire conversations in your head, conversations you will probably never honestly have.  Your lips moving, but the sounds never come out.  I watch and wonder about all the things you never say aloud, I watch your lips because to read those words is to know your thoughts.  A smile can say what could take a hundred words to convey and the many different smiles that adorn your face throughout the day are no less meaningful.

Your eyes wander around and while they are captivating, they don’t defend you, rather they betray you and I can see right through them and into you.  Unguarded and hesitant, your eyes make me understand what your voice cannot manifest, no lie is strong enough to convince me otherwise.

The body you mold and manipulate tells me a story of someone who once was insecure, held within himself in fear of what others would think, never wanting to be judged, a weakness you could not expel.  So you built up the walls on the outside, you made yourself stronger so that the fragile part of you within could be kept safe, protected from those who could do you harm.

When you do finally speak your brain and your tongue betray you too, they slip out words and phrases that tell the secrets you want to be kept unknown, they give me hints and clues that make me unwavered in my preconceptions of you.

Seemingly insecure and unprotected you still shatter every ounce of my self-discipline, you steal away my thoughts and you take away my time.  Everything that I thought was important crumbles like pillars of sand in the current of your mysterious nature.  You flood my brain with questions, a curiosity that compels me, that calls me in deeper and deeper inside a chemical reaction in my brain and I can’t swim in this whirlpool of infatuation…

So odd and so withdrawn, all encapsulated within a false sense of power and strength, this mix of conflicting ideals is swirling in my head, it begs me to inquire, it summons me to follow it in, down and through a void of reason and logic, lost somewhere between what I think and what I feel.

Oh this damn intrigue and all that is yet to be learned.  You’re like a flame in the dark, a headlight in the night and I can’t get you out of my line of sight, I can’t blink and I can’t look away, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger and you don’t even know it.  Time is ticking away and every day I grow a little more out of control, you are the drug and I’m the addict.

I’ve caught the scent of you and I’m in way too deep to get out now, this is not about fight or flight, there’s nothing left but the fight and I will win or I will die, you will either take me in or throw me aside, but either way I’m swooping in and there’s no where for you to hide, I’m in predator mode, my sights are locked in and you are all I can perceive.

You own me, you have my attention all day long, you’ve laid claim to my thoughts at night and you rule my dreams, but I could be wrong and none of this is really what it seems, it could all just be a disaster waiting to happen, a tragedy of a desiring heart, worthy of paper and pen, but I’m not willing to miss out on what could be the best part.

The hope it seduces me and this life is too cold to be spent alone, I wish my heart could finally be sold and be lifted up by a hand that is not my own, I’m faded and broken, I’m translucent, but I’m open.  I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, I’m not afraid because I’ve already endured the worst kind of pain, I’m searching for something like Casper the ghost, a second chance at life made anew and damn do I ever want to keep you.


 

 

This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:

Advertisements

About Kephen

I am a writer who happens to be a pantheist living in the heartland of America. I write about everything that interests me, from Zen Buddhism to depression and mental illness, society and civil rights to the LGBT community and the personal meanderings of my life. To learn more about me just check out my blog.
This entry was posted in All, Human Condition, LGBT, Miscellaneous and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.