The Perfect Life

Photo credit: Janelle Chapman

The Perfect Life: An Unexpected Loss


In order to protect the identity of his family, I will only refer to the young man in this article as “A.J.”

A.J. was in his senior year of high school, where he was active in sports, playing soccer and lacrosse.  He loved being outdoors, deer and duck hunting, boating and fishing, but especially skiing.  He was always tinkering on his jeep and loved listening to music.  He was a proud member of a yacht club and loved to go sailing in Maine.

His greatest enjoyment was being with his family and friends.  He loved being on the water especially on the family boat and always looked forward to the yearly trip to the East Coast.

He was active across social media, including Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube, sharing posts, photos, and videos of his active and extraordinary life with his hundreds to thousands of family, friends, and followers.

On November 30, 2018, this 18 year old young man, so active and full of life with exceptional athletic ability, enthusiasm, a beautiful girlfriend, loving family and friends, and a promising future, died by suicide.

Why he felt as though suicide was the best option for whatever he was secretly going through, we may never know.  No one seems to have the answer to why he made this choice.

It’s possible someone did, that he mentioned or let slip something to someone at some point, but if so it wasn’t taken seriously.  Sometimes our busy lives don’t allow us to see the suffering in others, or it doesn’t provide us the opportunity to express our own suffering.

Suicide does not discriminate.  Anyone can die by suicide.  No matter the gender, age, race, sexuality, financial status, employment status, perceived success, popularity, or happiness.  Suicide transcends all demographics.

Just because someone appears to be on top of the world from the outside, highly successful, popular, attractive, all the things we attribute to “having it all,” does not mean they’re not falling apart in their mind, carrying a huge burden on their shoulders, or concealing a heart-wrenching emptiness inside of them.

Not everyone shows their pain, and such people are often ashamed of how they feel and because of this shame they intentionally hide it from others.  This choice to keep it a secret prevents them from seeking help.  The belief that emotional pain and mental suffering are signs of weakness is the stigma of behavioral health.  And it’s this stigma that kills.

Some people are so embarrassed and ashamed of how they feel that they’d rather end their life (their pain), than tell others how they feel.

By making the two core aspects of behavioral health a common subject in our conversations, in other words mental illness and substance use, we begin the process of reducing the taboo aura that perpetuates stigma.

It’s okay to ask someone if they are feeling depressed.  It’s okay to ask someone if they are considering self-harm.  It’s okay to ask someone if they are thinking about or planning ways to complete suicide.  No one wants to die, people just don’t want to hurt anymore, and they can’t see a way out of that pain because they see the pain and their life as one synonymous struggle.

People must make the choice to keep getting up when they stumble and fall.  We have to make the choice to smile again and keep moving on when someone breaks our hearts.  We have to keep choosing to live when those we love have passed away.  When we experience mental health issues, we have to reach out and get help.

Is that easy to do?  No, absolutely not.  It takes several things to get there, from therapy to medication, and physical health by maintaining an active lifestyle.  Our bodies and minds are connected, an ailment in one can affect the other.

What must come first is hope, even the tiniest little bit can make a difference.  The hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be different and possibly even better than today.  If anything is true at all, it’s that the circumstances of our lives are not constant, provided we take the time to lift our heads and look around us to see how things can be better.

Does having a little hope make everything wonderful and allow you to see butterflies and flowers every waking moment?  No, absolutely not.  The point of behavioral health isn’t to take away every negative aspect of life and make it a fantasy-land.

Behavioral health is about learning the best practices for maintaining wellness in a world and in an existence that will bring obstacles, setbacks, and heartache into life.  It’s about having the tools, support, and resources to take on those challenges one step at a time and triumph over them.

If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health or substance use crisis, please access my immediate assistance resource page.  A comprehensive listing of online and phone resources and services is also available.

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