The Ardent Axiom
Illuminating the Facts About Behavioral Health and Rising Above the Stigma
Self-Reflection: To End A Cold, Damp Day
September 18, 2011
Self-Reflection: To End A Cold, Damp Day
If ever there was something that I could call my own, something that I could say was my niche in life, this would be it. What I’m doing right now, this act is the one thing that is undeniably me. I have this gift so I’ve been told, but I think the writing is a skill and if there’s a gift – a talent that I was born with, then I think that gift or perhaps curse would be the ability to feel it all. The skill to express it all with words is one learned in time and practice. Sometimes for the sake of meandering and sometimes to save me from myself.
For the last six months I’ve been everywhere and yet nowhere. Inside of me I’ve been throughout the wilderness of my own consciousness. Traversing the bad places that I had never wanted to go back to. It’s almost humorous to think that I was naive enough to believe that I would not return here. Such is the nature of the beast. To be done away with, only to be reborn again. I should have heeded my own advice, remembered that it is not a battle with one win or loss, but a war forever waging.
These hours are days and the days like weeks, these weeks passing like months and soon the leaves will fall again, the breath of life will wisp away into the cold wind of autumn. Normally the darkness settles upon me in the dead of winter, but this year I’ve been feeling it since last winter. It has not gone away with spring and summer.
I often ponder if it is noticeable to other people. That question was answered a few months ago when someone pointed out to me that I have not been myself. That I was different. We are what we feel.
I look in the mirror into my own eyes and I wonder who is there staring back. Who am I? Is this me? If not, then where have I gone to? When am I coming back? People who don’t know what this feels like may wonder to know. It’s like feeling sick, like you have the flu or something. You’re tired, forever tired. You don’t want to do anything, go anywhere. Nothing interests you, nothing matters anymore. You don’t care about anything, sometimes not even other people. You become self-absorbed, like your drowning in yourself. You hear people, you see them, but their words pass through you and they look like characters in a film, a movie that you’re not a part of.
I could sit for hours staring at a wall. Just sitting there, blank faced. Not seeing what’s in front of me, but seeing everything that’s inside of me. Lost within my own self. Treading across the wasteland I feel within. Encountering bad things, memories and failed attempts, reliving things that I’d rather not. Completely and utterly disconnected from a social existence. My body is here, but I am not.
I’ve been doing what I have to do, but nothing more. Walking, talking, working, eating, sleeping and repeating. But I’m on autopilot. Most of the time I cannot remember what I did the day before. I am not here. I am not here.
I have grown quite good at pretending to be okay, faking my smiles and my laughs, it’s easy to do, especially when people want to believe that everything is right with the world. Sometimes optimism is it’s own blindfold. At times it seems as though I am trying to fool myself into thinking this is not really happening. Hoping that if I pretend long enough, that even I will believe it.
Some days are better than others. Some days I can walk outside and I can feel the sun. To feel is to know that I am alive. But these are just momentary glimpses of life, flashes of organic connections, a clear picture forever followed with more white noise. That snowy static of my disease.
These things used to scare me. I’ve been here enough that this place is familiar to me, these walls have imprisoned me before. They are stained with my bloody hand prints.
It is here, deep inside of me that the real understanding of depression can be made. What people see on the outside is a mere raindrop to the ocean that swallows me from within. Many times I have written about what this feels like, the things I perceive and the things that I am made numb to. No matter how many times I write about it, I’m always capable of writing more.
For at least the last six months I’ve spent most of my time here. Distant, withdrawn, depressed, unmotivated, emotional, aggressive, irritable, uninterested, without concern, sleepy when I should be awake and awake when I should be sleeping. All of these things and many more, make up the walls that keep me here. Like I said, I have brief grace periods, sometimes lasting days. Those feel like waking up from a nightmare, they make you wonder what the hell is happening and how much of it is real.
On the worst days I am my most silent. So much is happening inside me that I cannot exist outside myself. These days are marked with the worst kind of thoughts. Thoughts of dying. Thoughts of sleeping and never waking. Thoughts of ropes and chords, thoughts of pills. Thoughts that make me glad I don’t own pistols. No one wants to die, but some people don’t want to hurt anymore.
Hurt is a complex concept. You grow up thinking hurt is a physical feeling, that falling off your bike is the meaning of hurt. And then people hurt your feelings and you realize that hurt is more than the pain of flesh. So too is it a pain of mind.
It is no wonder to me why people used to consider mental illness to be a possession by other worldly beings. It can be such a bizarre state of being, so alien in nature to the self and so difficult to understand from someone else’s perspective.
I have not been doing much to stop it. Perhaps hoping the demon takes his hand off me, sets me free, or perhaps I just don’t care anymore and I’m letting it all happen without objection. I’ve thought about calling a doctor and going back on medication, but I’ve been down that road a few years back when I spent two and a half years trying seven medications and I’m still fighting this. Not to mention that the side effects can sometimes feel worse than the disease itself. I shutter at the thought that I cannot live without being drugged for the rest of my life. Who knows the long term health effects and a pill only treats the symptoms, not the cause. There is no cure.
There are other things I can do. A change in my lifestyle can make a major difference. What I choose to do or not to do can influence me heavily. Situations, places, people and ideas can have a positive or negative effect on me. Embracing or avoiding them can make a difference. Realizing and accepting that you have a problem is the first step, finding the willpower to do something about it is the next. After a decade of this internal conflict, one would think that I’ve learned a few things along the way. I need the will to implement them.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
The Man In The Mirror
July 17, 2011
“The man who never learns to face himself, will never know what it means to be free.”
The Man In The Mirror
I ask myself why it bothers me so much that there are groups of people who take a strong stance against people who are different from themselves. Groups who spread rumors disguised as facts, who make written and oral strikes that they know will cause ripples in the lives that they object to and in the hearts of the people who they’d like to recruit.
I ask myself why these people are the way that they are. I ponder about how many of them are exactly like the people they claim to not accept as equal to themselves. I wonder how many of them express their dissatisfaction with themselves by forcing that negativity onto other people. Why is it so easy for people to embrace hate for someone else, but so difficult for them to realize that they really just hate something about themselves?
Why are there white people who blame all their financial problems on people who immigrated here from another country, or who’s ancestors immigrated here from another country (or in some cases brought here as slaves), while completely ignoring the fact that they are white and therefore themselves not a native person or ancestor of this country? If it wasn’t for people fleeing the turmoil of their home country, this nation would not exist as it does. The only people who have any right to claim this land as their ancestral homeland are Native Americans who’s ancestors migrated here before everyone else, but no one ever talks about that. So unless you are of Native American ancestry, your blood is the most foreign to this soil.
Why do people fear change? Why do people express that fear as hate? Why is it that when one person of a different race or creed commits an immoral or unethical act, that for some people it means that everyone else who belongs to that race or creed must also be immoral or unethical in their behavior? Why has it always been “us” versus “them” and for how long will adults continue to act like troubled adolescent youth?
Today, I have been lost within my own thoughts, trying to answer these questions, trying to understand what’s wrong with people who do these things against their fellow human beings. Trying to understand why not every human is looked upon as human. What’s wrong with the people who do this, what happened to them, is it nature or nurture, how do we fix them, can they be fixed? Why aren’t there enough people who are brave enough to stand up, point at them and tell them they are wrong for their ideals? That it’s not okay to neglect, harass, assault, impede, punish, separate, torture, insult, threaten, condemn people on the basis of their racial, religious, sexual or cultural differences. Why is it that nothing seems to be done about it until it’s too late and someone dies?
If we humans are capable of perceiving things as individuals, why are we so quick to judge people as groups?
If there is one Christian who tolerates someone different from himself and one Christian who denies the same person the right to exist as equal to himself, then I ask what is wrong; Christianity or the person? If one Muslim hates everyone who is not Muslim and another Muslim tolerates everyone who is not Muslim, then I ask what is wrong; Islam or the person?
I cannot write this without mentioning anti-gay rights groups or homophobic individuals, of which I used to be one. I should shamefully tell you all the terrible things I thought of gay people, how I wanted them to be suppressed and be taken out of view. I didn’t want to see gay people, hear gay people and most of all not have contact with gay people. I feared them, I hated them because I was one of them. I saw them and how they accepted themselves, I saw them and how they smiled and laughed like nothing was wrong with them, how they didn’t worry about being discovered and how they seemed bravely unwavered by all the other people who refused to accept them into society. And most of all, how they loved themselves.
What lies at the heart of all this terrible human conduct is not the things we all so often blame. More often than not it is the human being him/herself that is the cause of human torment. Or another human being who has convinced a group of human beings that what he believes in is true and that the group must listen to him and do what he asks of them. I’ve written this many times before, but it never cease to be true; we should never fear mankind within the darkness, but rather the darkness within mankind.
After all the material things that we have acquired, after all the advancements in technology and medicine, all the things that make us civilized, there still exists the thing that makes us humans so primitive and animalistic. Our ability to do violence unto those we oppose and more acutely our desire to separate ourselves from others we deem unequal.
At some point we will reach a day where there will be far less ill-treatment of human beings who are seen as different. We have already made great progress, globally, in educating people, in helping them understand that different does not mean wrong or unacceptable. That change or something alien to preconceived notions does not have to be met with fear. That tolerance is not about abandoning one’s own beliefs or culture, but that it’s about accepting we don’t live in a black and white world.
I know that people can change. Human beings can learn and progress, they can understand and see beyond their own perspective, develop a perception that exceeds the one before it. However, the only way it can happen is within the singular human being him/herself. It takes “will” to embrace a new idea. It takes emotion or feeling to understand, without that we are just calculating brains, just machines. The hope that I hold onto is that it is possible for all fully cognitive human beings to understand suffering and realize that it’s not okay to be the source of that suffering.
We are all capable of facing ourselves in the mirror, we’re just not all willing to do so. I would like to believe that everyone will one day find themselves staring into their own eyes and asking if who they see staring back is who they want to be, if they are proud of what they see, if they are who they once dreamed of becoming.
I have found myself doing just that more than once in my short lifetime. To never question yourself is to walk blindly in life in total disregard of your impact on every other human being you meet. A truly selfish, ignorant state of being that I hope you never fall victim to.
I have changed so much over the years, I’ve changed because I felt like it was necessary, because I’ve met people who have shown me that I was wrong and because I was brave enough to face the reality that not everything I once believed was okay, that not all of my perceptions were accurate and I wasn’t too proud to change them for the better.
But change is a process, a continuing psychological movement that requires attention, focus and the actual desire to go through with it. I constantly find myself thinking or saying things about other people who are different from myself or people that I don’t agree with that are hurtful, judgmental or otherwise counter-productive to tolerance. It’s hard to stand up, to rise up from the seductiveness of wallowing in my own self-righteousness.
How humble it is my friend, to embrace the thought that I’m no better or worse than you or anyone else; that when stripped of every material belonging and facility, I am the same as you and you are the same as me. How liberating it is to accept that the only way to know right from wrong is to first understand that everything I do in life has an impact on everyone else around me and that my thoughts and actions must take into account the well-being of everyone and not just myself.
Today I looked in the mirror and I faced myself unflinchingly. Perhaps today, you will do the same.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
Keep You: Part Two
March 19, 2011
You are so shy and so quiet, never wanting to be noticed. Painfully introverted, you carry out entire conversations in your head, conversations you will probably never honestly have. Your lips moving, but the sounds never come out. I watch and wonder about all the things you never say aloud, I watch your lips because to read those words is to know your thoughts. A smile can say what could take a hundred words to convey and the many different smiles that adorn your face throughout the day are no less meaningful.
Your eyes wander around and while they are captivating, they don’t defend you, rather they betray you and I can see right through them and into you. Unguarded and hesitant, your eyes make me understand what your voice cannot manifest, no lie is strong enough to convince me otherwise.
The body you mold and manipulate tells me a story of someone who once was insecure, held within himself in fear of what others would think, never wanting to be judged, a weakness you could not expel. So you built up the walls on the outside, you made yourself stronger so that the fragile part of you within could be kept safe, protected from those who could do you harm.
When you do finally speak your brain and your tongue betray you too, they slip out words and phrases that tell the secrets you want to be kept unknown, they give me hints and clues that make me unwavered in my preconceptions of you.
Seemingly insecure and unprotected you still shatter every ounce of my self-discipline, you steal away my thoughts and you take away my time. Everything that I thought was important crumbles like pillars of sand in the current of your mysterious nature. You flood my brain with questions, a curiosity that compels me, that calls me in deeper and deeper inside a chemical reaction in my brain and I can’t swim in this whirlpool of infatuation…
So odd and so withdrawn, all encapsulated within a false sense of power and strength, this mix of conflicting ideals is swirling in my head, it begs me to inquire, it summons me to follow it in, down and through a void of reason and logic, lost somewhere between what I think and what I feel.
Oh this damn intrigue and all that is yet to be learned. You’re like a flame in the dark, a headlight in the night and I can’t get you out of my line of sight, I can’t blink and I can’t look away, you’ve got me wrapped around your finger and you don’t even know it. Time is ticking away and every day I grow a little more out of control, you are the drug and I’m the addict.
I’ve caught the scent of you and I’m in way too deep to get out now, this is not about fight or flight, there’s nothing left but the fight and I will win or I will die, you will either take me in or throw me aside, but either way I’m swooping in and there’s no where for you to hide, I’m in predator mode, my sights are locked in and you are all I can perceive.
You own me, you have my attention all day long, you’ve laid claim to my thoughts at night and you rule my dreams, but I could be wrong and none of this is really what it seems, it could all just be a disaster waiting to happen, a tragedy of a desiring heart, worthy of paper and pen, but I’m not willing to miss out on what could be the best part.
The hope it seduces me and this life is too cold to be spent alone, I wish my heart could finally be sold and be lifted up by a hand that is not my own, I’m faded and broken, I’m translucent, but I’m open. I’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain, I’m not afraid because I’ve already endured the worst kind of pain, I’m searching for something like Casper the ghost, a second chance at life made anew and damn do I ever want to keep you.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
Keep You: Part One
February 27, 2011
You grew up out in a rural part of the state of Missouri. You consider yourself a small town guy, you know a lot of people, but you hold onto a few close friends. Most of the people you know now that you are about to turn 21, are the same people you knew when you were six or eight years old.
Your mom and dad are by no means rich, but you can’t say that they are poor either. They live within modest means and socially you don’t feel like you were ever the most popular kid in school, but you were also never the guy everyone picked on or made fun of. You were on the outside of the inner circle, people knew your name and where you lived, they knew what your parents did for a living, they knew who you were related to and maybe even what you wanted to do with your life. What they didn’t know, was everything that you held inside yourself.
During school you saw your guy friends dating, relationships that would sometimes last a week or sometimes last a couple years. You, on the other hand, never found yourself dating anyone. You all went out road tripping on Friday nights and on the weekends down gravel roads, you went fishing on farms in ponds, lakes and even on a boat out on the river. On occasion you even went to the Lake of the Ozarks. You are not a heavy drinker, but you’re not afraid to put down a beer or two. The outdoors is something that you keep close to you, it’s like an extension of your home, you might even consider it your home.
You keep yourself in good physical shape, you’ve lifted weights for years. You are by no means a beast, but you flatter yourself by flexing in front of a mirror or window when no one is around. It gives you a boost of confidence and you’re not afraid to take off your shirt or wear cut-off or sleeveless t-shirts in front of other people.
You’re the kind of guy who likes to wear jeans and a t-shirt. You have a favorite baseball cap that is kind of worn out, but you can’t bring yourself to throw it away. You may not like to dress up, but when you have to, you try your best to do so. Even if that’s still not good enough for some people. You like sports, but you’re not exactly good at any of them. Still that doesn’t keep you from bragging about yourself to other people about how your weightlifting and about how good you were at it. You don’t consider yourself nerdy, but you like to play video games and there have been times when you stayed up most of the night playing them.
You don’t tell everyone, but you do like to watch movies that are considered chick flicks or T.V. shows that are directed towards female audiences because you find them amusing and you have a couple female friends that also watch them.
You’re not from Texas and you don’t live in Texas now, but you like wearing cowboy boots just the same and you wear them a lot. You think muscle cars are cool, but you prefer trucks, for some reason they are synonymous with freedom. You like when they’re clean and shined up, but at the same time you could care less if they are dusty and covered in dried mud, it seems to be a statement of rebellion against social conformity.
Likewise, you are not the cleanest or neatest person. Some people might even say you are sloppy or messy. That attribute is reflected in how you keep your room. However, in your mind everything has its place and you know where to look when in search of it. And if you think you need to or someone tells you to, you can clean things up as well as the next person.
Some people might say that you are a little clumsy or maybe even forgetful and even though you try to make people think you don’t care what they have to say, deep down you do concern yourself with what other people think of you. And the thought of being judged by someone makes you nervous. And when you get nervous you get a little shaky, you can feel your face get red and at times your words don’t always come out right.
Politically, you don’t give a crap about democrats or republicans, all you care about is what’s good for the people. So your vote goes to whoever is willing to represent the voice of the people, which is what democracy is supposed to be about. Traditionally you might be Christian, but if you are you don’t take it seriously, maybe you go to church on occasion, but it doesn’t define who you are or what direction you take your life. In your mind, life isn’t about what you already know, it’s about what you have yet to learn.
And finally you are gay. You’ve known since maybe sixth or seventh grade, but you are not open about it. It’s taken you a long time to understand yourself, you know who and what you are, but you’re not sure how to come to terms with being gay. Most, if not all of your friends don’t know about it, especially the people who have known you a very long time and your family definitely doesn’t know. The idea of telling them scares you because you don’t want to lose them.
You think about what it would be like to no longer be afraid. You think that maybe one day it will be different and you can find out what it means to be loved by someone, just like you’ve seen all your other friends date and experience love. For now though, you keep it inside, the only place it seems safe…
And then one day you meet someone who somehow can perceive all the things that you try to hide and you have absolutely no idea what to do. The thought that someone knows your secret even though you never told them, terrifies you. It makes you think that you’re not hiding it as well as you thought you were. A girl at work had asked you if you were gay before, but this time there’s a guy giving you a lot of curious looks.
You make eye contact with this guy often. You never say a word to him and he doesn’t say a word to you, but it’s as if you communicate with him just using your eyes. One night this guy sends you a message on Facebook and asks you whether you are straight or gay and he goes further and tells you that he likes you and wants to get to know you.
Horrified that someone knows your secret, you don’t respond. You can’t say anything because then someone you don’t know will know for sure and the idea that it could spread to others grips you with fear. You go back to work afterwards and pretend like nothing happened, as if you never got the message. You keep looking at him, trying to figure out how much he knows and how he could possibly know at all.
Finally one day, he approaches you and asks to speak to you in private. Your mind shuffles with what to do, you freak out wondering what he’s going to say or ask and what you should do in response. You convince yourself that you can’t possibly tell him how you feel because then other people might find out, you’re not ready for this…
You step outside with him and he asks you if you know what it’s about. You hesitate and ask if you’re in trouble about something with work, if you’ve done something wrong or messed something up. He laughs and smiles, you wonder whether he believed your attempt at being oblivious about his message to you…
He goes further and directly asks you if you are gay or straight, in person this time! You can feel your eyes get bigger, in shock you can’t believe this guy has just asked you that question again! You don’t waste anytime in responding and blurt out that you are straight. Curiosity compels you to pose the question of how he came to inquire about your orientation, so you ask him if some girl in the building had said something to him. You tell him that a girl had asked you the same question, in case he had heard a rumor from that girl.
The guy says that he hasn’t heard any such rumor and that no one told him that you were gay, he seems to accept your response that you are straight though and abruptly says that’s all he wanted to know and you part ways. Finally you can breathe, you walk away a little shaky and you reach for your cigarettes, you definitely need one now to calm yourself down…
A year later you come back to work temporarily at the same place, knowing full well that guy is still there. Just like before, you continue to make eye contact with him. You make attempts at getting used to talking to him, you ask him questions about work related stuff and he never makes a single mention about what happened last year.
You don’t know if he believed you or not, but you still have this feeling that he thinks about it, why else would he continue to look in your direction. When your eyes meet his, you can’t help but look away, you don’t want him to know that you notice, but at the same time you can’t help yourself and you just keep looking to see where he is and if he’s noticed you. It’s complicated, it’s scary and it’s exciting all at the same time. You wonder what you should do next, are you ready to make a move, are you ready to be the person to say something this time around? Or will you give into your fear of being outed and do absolutely nothing…
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
The Demon In Me
January 2, 2011
The Demon In Me
Everything is black, save the sparks of sanity within; the buzz in my head, a melody of self-deprivation or rather the hum of degradation. I look around and the darkness prevails, always the melancholy thought, but dammit I have fought, for so long I have fought.
You ask me the question, always that same damn question, “How are you?” I offer back what you want to hear, “I’m good and you?” And I smile because I know you could never survive in here, you have to stay out and inside your trance because it’s safer there, this is my burden, this is my burden to bear.
Do you want in, do you want to see inside my head? Then read my words and reap what they sow or maybe you should turn away and run instead; it matters not the least to me or so I tell myself here where the sun never glows, walk on my words and into the black and learn things no one knows.
This is it, the threshold of my existence, here’s the gate that leads you in, or is it a door? No matter, it invites you in with seduction, always open like a whore; she’ll take you in and take away all you’ve got, cast you aside like an empty shell, watch you fade away like ashes in hell; tell you that you have sinned and let you go like dust in the wind.
Stay on my words as we wander along, I’ll lead you in and make you feel like you belong; but stay on my words all the way through, right to the heart of everything you never knew.
We march on into the precipice, the battle of my sanity and as you look around, there is darkness overhead and down below, shadows cast all upon the ground; plead not to see the sky, it’s a blood filled sphere, like a cut across your eye, dripping tears of misery and fear.
I beg you carry on and witness more, this is my state of mind, forever weak and forever wore, but you have to carry on. Can you feel that on your skin? There’s a cold in here that seeps in, emanating from a place I’m yet to discover, stay too long and you’ll never recover.
Reach out and touch the things that pass us by, feel them with your hands because in here your heart will die; love is a vacant thing and that numbing in your soul will never go away, it’s the price I never asked to pay.
You can hear them all, those repetitive voices shouting psychotic things and giving me answers to questions I never inquired upon, worse still are the ones who want me to trust no one and hate everyone because it is only from the sadness they can spawn.
Lies and secrets they ramble all throughout these unholy chambers, echoing through these unhallowed halls of my self-destructive behavior. They beg me to listen to them, adhere to their advice for everyone I meet is a potential betrayer.
The air in here is thick and heavy, sometimes it’s hard to breathe like I’m in a black ocean of despair. And yet against my one last wish, I’m the only one that doesn’t drown, only suffer and it’s all just a hurt inside that none can ever repair.
Allow me to take you in deeper, spiral downward until you bear witness to the nightmare weaver; the warden of my time and my life on lease, he who bears the key to my freedom and who is adorn with the diadem of my peace.
This monster, this Demon in me has me under his thumb, I am broken and useless, I am blind, deaf and dumb. A slave to the flaws of a human mind, the host of a psychological parasite, feeding off my sanity and my hope; I’m falling down into a hole of psychosis, no ladder and no rope.
My Demon is a disease, an undying burden of my genetics, running rampant across the plane of my mind; reeking havoc in a cycle, my life on play and rewind. A war raging without end, victory and defeat, but never knowing peace or happiness; a loss of self-worth and self-image all mingled into a life of painful semi-consciousness.
And now it’s time for you to leave, get out before I draw you in and hurt you; the flames of my anger are unapologetic and far-reaching, oh the many terrible things this place can do. This war has changed me, it has altered me in ways I am not proud of; I have done things and said things that have hurt the people I love.
Go and be free, be grateful you rule your own life, be thankful that you don’t dwell in this place a permanent resident. And when you get out, don’t look back at me, it’s better for you, of that I’m confident.
Forget about me, I will only bring you down and in this black ocean you will only drown.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
A River of Undying Flames
December 31, 2010
A River of Undying Flames
It is with personal feeling that I write this. Without it, none of these words would ever mean as much as they do. I once wrote that as a writer it is not my purpose to change the world, rather it is my purpose to inspire greater men than myself to fight for and achieve things even greater than us all.
Wisdom is not learned from what we are taught, it is learned from personal experience. It takes time to grasp the lessons of life and a mind willing to accept that it’s possible to be wrong. When someone can look back at where they have been, examine this momentary state of their existence and gravitate towards a better life, they realize that in this flowing current of life they are not alone and that every action taken sends forth a ripple that alters the lives of everyone in this connection called humanity.
Indeed I say, this life is a river of undying flames, each flickering with the ups and downs of the human condition, forever flowing forward in the hope of greater things to come.
This night my thoughts are focused on the core of what it means to live a life of understanding. Not of the power of influence, the satisfaction of material gains or the trivial choices in mundane living. No, my focus is on the ideal that every human being has the right to live out their own life free of persecution and torment. That we are all individually capable of being endowed with the reality that we are all equal.
Many have lived out their lives fighting for what some call a dream and many have died for it. I say that it’s only a dream in the minds of those who are not brave enough to embrace it. Every human hand is given the same value in its ability to labor, in its ability to protect and in its ability to show compassion. Without regard for its color, shape, strength or by whom the hand is claimed.
Of the darkness in the human mind, I once wrote, “… Screams of agony, of the torture that I cannot save them from. The lies and the secrets, the false hope and the dying love that rips apart the souls of human beings. The shame and the guilt of bleeding hearts and the irony of our inevitable defeat.”
So easily we are led astray and so easily we forget what matters above all else. When hope is on the verge of fading away and our dreams and desires on the verge of being taken away, we often allow ourselves to hold tight to the convictions of influential books, people and ideas. Even when those convictions do harm to others. We reach for them because of fear, in the desperate attempt to save what we see as stable and familiar.
Misunderstanding is always born from fearing the unknown, from abandoning the path of higher thought in favor of the simpler path of circular thought. And while remaining within the known seems safer than venturing out into the unknown, we must realize that the only path progressing forward is the one paved in compromise. We have to hold true to ourselves, but we must also walk forward to better the lives of everyone around us.
It is my hope that when each and every one of you reads my words, you acknowledge that upon your shoulders you carry the livelihood of other human beings, not just your own. I fully accept that I am flawed, I am an imperfect human being who makes mistakes and finds it hard to accept all the differences of the people I meet. I’m not asking for love, I’m asking for tolerance and compromise. I do not want to stand behind you and I’m not trying to stand in front of you, I’m asking to stand beside you. As equal.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
Autumn Calls You Home
September 30, 2010
Autumn Calls You Home
Summer has ended. Autumn has arrived. The change in the weather can’t be ignored. The wind blows colder and the mornings feel damp and brisk. The leaves are already beginning to change, the grass is starting to fade. The crickets outside my window at night won’t be chirping for much longer and I will have to listen to something other than their songs to put me to sleep.
In time, the air will carry the scent of rotting leaves. Though the idea seems repulsive, the smell comforts me and the sound of them scuffling across the ground puts me in a better state of mind. Many people find autumn depressing because everything is beginning to go dormant for the coming winter. I on the other hand, find autumn to be the best time of the year. It’s a feeling I get, some kind of response to the things my senses perceive.
Life slows down, it fades and recoils back inside of itself, as if the natural world is falling asleep. I find peace in this season, it’s a time to reflect upon myself. A momentary sigh, a grace period before the wrath of winter.
In a lot of my writings I use the word “home” as a destination. Very rarely am I ever referring to the physical house in which I live. I’m most often talking about a state of mind or a pattern of thought. One that I find peace in, a state of mind that makes me put things into perspective, that renews my sense of worth and well-being.
So in this way, I hope autumn calls you home just as it does me. Life is a fleeting thing my friend. It’s far too short to be spent in anger or bitterness. It’s so hard to give a shit sometimes, I know this as well as anyone else. It’s hard to care about the people that anger you and it’s hard to forgive the people that hurt you. We all get caught up in raw emotion and situations that are blown out of proportion.
There are so many things that blind us to the meaningful things in life. A lot of material crap that honestly has no value, it’s just distraction. Distraction from things that we don’t want to face or accept, something to make us forget that in reality not everything is okay. But it’s alright to feel pain, you can’t hide from it forever.
A day will come when you’ll know that everything you cling to in order to pass the time is a waste of life. A day will come when you must ponder the direction in which you travel. Is it forwards? Backwards? Are you standing still? I have learned that life won’t let you live in ignorance without interruption.
As autumn is a time of passing, I can’t possibly not talk about dying. If there was anything in life that makes us understand what’s important, it’s loss. For those who have lost someone they loved, they fully understand what’s important in life and everyday that person is vacant from their life they are reminded of just how valuable every moment is.
The pain of loss is a pain that never disappears, it’s a scar that marks the absence of a hand you wish you could still hold. It’s a shadow over your day that reminds you of the smile you can no longer see, it’s a ringing in your ear to remind you of the voice you’ll never hear again.
Don’t live your life in bitterness, don’t miss out on the sweeter things in life. Cherish what you have and treasure the things that money cannot buy. Breathe deep in the knowledge that you have been graced with the chance at life, laugh out loud every chance you get, smile at everyone you meet. Hold no ill will against ignorant people because it’s their life they are wasting, let go of the burden of hatred and anger, it will only weigh you down. Set free your passions and embrace what awakens you, harbor only the joyful memories and dare to believe in the things you dream of.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
These Walls, That Shadow, Those Memories and This Soul
These Walls, that Shadow, those Memories, and this Soul
How do you heal a man who’s pain is inside his head, a pain that transcends flesh and bone?
Behind these walls of distrust and shame, hidden so far deep inside of myself, in some dark corner of my sub-conscious mind, a little boy sits alone with his arms wrapped around his knees and his eyes facing down, blankly staring into the past. Trembling and afraid, this boy feels so misunderstood and so unsure of everything. Scared of what has been and scared of what always lay ahead.
This boy is battered and bruised, with cuts and scars, damp with tears and stained with blood. Lost and betrayed, this boy wishes that everything that has been had never come to pass and that everything that he dreams of would come true just one time.
Haunted by the past, forever haunted by the past. This darkness is everywhere, the daylight it can never last and the darkness is everywhere. This boy is so tired of the darkness, this loneliness in the darkness. So far away that no one can get to him, no one can get to me. Just that shadow, just that shadow and me.
Remembering in a cycle, a sadness never ceasing. Happy moments fade the moment they are born. I laugh and I smile, but they only last a little while. I can’t forget the pain inside my head, if only I could remember the better days instead.
This boy was me, this boy is still me. Broken as a boy, confused and distraught left with such a heavy burden to bear, there are pieces of me, so very many pieces of me everywhere. So fragile is a child, timid and vulnerable, so easily shattered. Hopes and dreams crumble forever after, in violent winds they are scattered.
And so this boy is lost, lost in the vast depths of this soul; forever wandering in search of the pieces to make him whole.
To heal a man who hurts inside his head, you must first heal the boy inside the man.
Meditation
An Outline of a Course in the Art of Meditation: The Awareness of Thought
An Introduction
I once told myself how rediculous meditation must be. I thought that to be void of thought was perhaps the most terrible state in which to exist. To believe that enlightenment could be attained from mindlessness was, to me, worthy of audacity. My experience at that point was short of mediocre and I had little insight to back up such a claim.
As time went by and I practiced meditation I found it excrutiatingly difficult to reach a mindset of nothingness. As I sat “Indian” style, because I was not flexible enough to attain the Lotus position, I fought off every thought and alluring possibility that randomly came to mind. I was so disgusted with my lack of ability to refrain from thought and simply just exist, to just simply be still and unaffected by outside and internal forces that I nearly quit trying. But I had read so much that meditation was an essential part of living a healthy life that I wanted it to be a part of mine, so I kept on.
Little did I know that my battle for mindlessness was futile. The human mind has evolved for milennia to the aspect of high consciousness and here I was trying to eliminate what made me human. And so the thought came to me after reading “The Miracle of Mindfullness”, by Thich Nhat Hanh, that perhaps mindlessness was not the ultimate goal of meditation, but perhaps the very thing we should use meditation to overcome.
Meditation is not about losing oneself in a blank space of nothing, but rather a way to find oneself amidst a world that is eliminating what is the individual within the body. With practicing meditation we should be aware that mindfullness is the ultimate goal. To be aware of who we are, what we are doing and even why. Use meditation to comprehend what you are doing in life, whatever that may be.
These days during meditation my mind is far from vacant, but rather full of thoughts not in randomness but in structure. As we grow more familiar with meditation and its true meaning we will see that it enables us to put order to chaos in the human mind. We become clearer in thought and purpose. That is the art of meditation: to clear the mind of disorder and replace mindlessness with mindfullness. It is truly the awareness of thought.
The physical and psychological benefits of meditation have been realized by ancient civilizations for centuries and in more modern times, scientists, doctors and psychologists are realizing that meditation is a fundamental part of physical recovery and mental therapy along with modern treatments, medication and exercise. To doubt the positive impact of meditation in anyone’s life would be a great misfortune.
I cannot imagine my life without meditation. And for those who find themselves missing something in their lives, I highly recommend a look into meditation through whatever media channel you wish. There are numerous books, videos and cd’s about meditation and there is more than likely a wellness center that offers lessons where you live. Many health treatment centers and even hospitals now offer meditation to their patients and employees alike. There are also a wide variety of schools of meditation and each teaching their own perspective on methods, strategies and benefits, such as Transcendental Meditation, Insight Meditation, Transformation Meditation and many more.
My first meditation lessons were from a counselor and I went on to study it from books and online articles. As I continued to practice it at home I wanted a more enriching perspective so I took a teacher study course called Transformation Meditation and after completing the course I realized that I needed to help other people discover the benefits of meditation in everyday life. And that’s when I began working on a course that I could teach to interested clients as a spiritual adviser. Drawing from everything that I had learned over the years I came up with, “The Art of Meditation: The Awareness of Thought.” The following material is a basic outline of the content of my course, but it is not the actual course itself. I have found that the best way to learn meditation is to have someone sitting in front of you and actually teaching you how to do it.
What is Meditation?
Meditation is the practice of thought awareness. Many people believe that meditation is about eliminating the thought process all-together, but that’s not true. Meditation is about learning how to control the rapid thoughts in the mind by focusing one’s attention. For many practitioners this focus point is the breath. By counting each breath or keeping track of when you exhale and inhale, a person can take control of the roaming human mind. This time of clarity can have many health benefits both physically and psychologically. For someone who suffers from high blood pressure, this calming effect of meditation can help them control their blood pressure and when used in association with a patients diet, excerise and medication it can make their quality of life much better. Also someone with anxiety issues will find this state of relaxation incredibly comforting.
There are many approaches to achieving control of the mind during meditation, many methods to the goal of calm and eventually peace within oneself. For some people, sitting in one position for 15 minutes to an hour can be difficult. Meditation is not just about being still or motionless. There’s walking meditation for those who prefer active contemplation. Also, dance is a form of meditation because a performer focuses their attention on the routine and not about the million other things we often find ourselves thinking about throughout the day.
What do I need in order to meditate and where can I do it?
There are numerous aids that you can use when doing meditation. Personally, I like to listen to meditation cd’s also called new age music. These cd’s can be of slow paced orchestra performances or of natural sounds such as the ocean lapping against the shore. Many of the cd’s are of natural sounds musically enhanced with instruments like the flute, acoustic guitar, piano, harp and other peaceful instruments. I find these combination albums to be the most soothing and comforting and really help me reach a deeper state of relaxation, which will always make each meditation session worthwhile.
Another useful aid I use is scented candles. I have always been attracted to things that smell nice, they tend to make me more comfortable and calm. They also tend to remind me of different places and scenarios from throughout my life, each scent bringing back a different fond memory. For the most part, you want a scented candle that isn’t too overwhelming or powerful, but if you find one that you absolutely love and the scent has some type of sentimental meaning to you, like one that reminds you of your grandmother, then just place it a good distance from where you’ll being meditating. If you are not a fan of candles and want something a little more exotic or esoteric, then I suggest you explore incense. A brand that I use that is not too smokey is a Japanese style incense called Morning Star.
If you plan on doing sitting meditation or you have already tried it before and have trouble concentrating and your mind is fluttering from one thing to the next, try using an object of focus. Personally I have used candles, statues and flowers as a point of focus. Just place them in front of you and concentrate on their color, size, shape and any details they may have. Once you have given them a good review, close your eyes and try to remember what they looked like. Focus on the object and redraw it in your mind with your eyes closed so you don’t cheat. this practice will keep your mind from running all over the place and help you relax and calm down your mind.
For the most part I don’t do a lot of walking meditation, especially in the winter due to the weather. And sometimes the summer can become too hot for most people to do walking meditation outside. Any indoor facility is nice if it’s not too overcrowded. If your local activity center, YMCA or whatever is too crowded it will only hinder your walking session and add another distraction to an already distraction filled life. If the weather supports, most outdoor parks or community walking trails are your best bet for outdoor walking meditation. I am fortunate because I live out in the country on a farm, so privacy for me is not an issue and distractions are few and far between.
So my favorite meditation is sitting. I use a Zafu and a Zabuton. A Zafu is a round cushion, usually filled with buckwheat or other material, no larger than a foot or foot and a half in diameter that holds its shape when sat on and is placed either on a Zabuton or directly on the floor. A Zabuton is a large rectangular cushion, mine is about three feet by three feet, used in meditation along with a Zafu. Because the Zafu is only used to sit your backside on, your legs will hang over and rest on the floor. I’ve had the issue of the hard floor hurting my knees and ankles so I purchased the Zabuton and now I don’t have that problem anymore. So if you plan to meditate in a room with a hard floor, wood or very short rug fiber, I suggest that you also invest in a Zabuton and save your body the pain.
How do I actually do meditation?
I have broken down the different methods of meditation into the following categories:
Sitting Meditation: This type of meditation can be used in connection with the aid of sound such as meditation cd’s, a visual focal point like statues and burning candles. A person can also “watch” one’s breath, use prayer, chants or mantras and aromatic products like incense. There are many different sitting positions that can be used. Also a person may choose to sit in a chair, on a meditation cushion called a Zafu or may even wish to lay on the floor. Some well known positions are cross-legged (Indian style), the lotus position and the half-lotus position with legs resting one on top the other.
Walking Meditation: Meditation while walking can also be achieved by “watching” one’s breath, which simply means to be aware of exhaling and inhaling. Also keeping track of one’s steps, repeating a prayer or mantra or listening to an audio cd of nature sounds and orchestra music if the area in which you are walking is distracting. Preferably something not too distracting or that doesn’t encourage your emotions to fluctuate and doesn’t cause your thoughts to rapidly change.
Yoga or T’ai Chi: These two physical activities are also a type of meditation. I incorporate yoga into my weekly exercise regimen because the health benefits of proper stretching cannot be down played. I suggest investigating either of these two activities as they can be equally rewarding.
Sitting Meditation is probably the most common and a lot of people may have actually done meditation before and never even knew it. Some people have the idea that meditation is this magical dream state of semi-consciousness where you visit the spirit world, but really it’s nothing like that at all. If you have ever walked through a park and just took in the beauty of what’s around you, that’s a type of meditation. If you have ever driven in your car and visualized something specific outside of what you were doing or where you were headed, that’s another type of meditation.
Before beginning any sitting meditation session, make sure you are prepared and have everything in order. If you have chosen the perfect place in your home or wherever you plan to do this, make sure you will not be continuesly distracted. Give yourself atleast fifteen minutes of time per session. If this is your first time be prepared to be disappointed. Until one practices meditation for themselves it’s hard to know what to expect and usually our expectations are wrong, so my best advice for you would to be to have no expectations. Just let the experience happen, observe yourself and the experience. Some people find it useful to keep a journal of their meditation session. Think of it as a way to mark your progress and experiences along the way.
Meditation is often best utilized after a workout session or some other physical acitivity because beginners tend to be very fidgety and have trouble remaining still or focused enough to actually enter a state of meditation. If you find that it is impossible for you to remain still, then perhaps you should start with walking meditation.
Once you have a place, a time and any aids you wish to utilize then it is time to start your session. If you have purchased a cushion, find a sitting position you consider to be comfortable or one that you can hold for about fifteen minutes. Most people can sit indian style, but if you can attain the Lotus position then go with that.
Find a comfortable place to put your hands, whether that be in your lap, on your knees, wherever is most comfortable. Decide whether you want your hands facing up or down on your body. Try to keep your back straight. When I first started I didn’t think that it would matter whether my back was straight or bent over, but it really does make a difference. If you can’t keep your back straight on your own, use the side of your bed or some other object to support your spine. They do make meditation seats and chairs that help to support a straight back, perhaps give them a look. If you are doing this meditation session in a chair already, sit as far back into the chair as possible so that it will keep your spine straight, don’t slouch.
If sitting up straight is not an option for you then consider lying on the floor. Lay all the way down on the floor, with your head resting on a thin cushion if necessary, do not prop your head up as this will interupt the flow of energy in meditation. Keep your arms out from your body, but not way up by your head, just a comfortable distance from your sides. It’s your decision if you want your hands with palms up or down. Do not cross your legs or have your knees bent so that your feet are on the floor. Keep them outstretched so that your heels or the sides of your feet are touching the floor and that there is atleast a foot of distance between them.
When you are in the most comfortable of position, sitting or lying down, try just closing your eyes. Immediately you’ll have thoughts begin to race through your mind. That’s normal and it will happen no matter how hard you try to shut them out. Don’t get frustrated, just accept that it will happen and don’t get lost in them. When you find yourself paying attention to the thoughts and you are having trouble getting away from them, now would be time for you to utilize your aids. If you wanted to use a focus object, now is the time to concentrate on it.
If you don’t have an object and are having trouble with day-dreaming or rapid distracting thoughts, then use a visualization technique. A lot of people find it helpful to visualize a peaceful place where they would like to be alone. For some it is a peaceful garden, others it is an exotic island, some prefer an open field of wildflowers and others a mountain lake with a setting sun. Whatever offers you comfort or relaxes you, try to visualize it in your mind. Be careful not to allow this visualization to bring into your thoughts other things like where you may be going on vacation this summer and worries about the cost and airline concerns or a field trip the kid’s will be taking that you have to chaperon. Focus on the beautiful place you have invisioned, this is your place, your refuge from the havoc of life and daily troubles.
In this refuge there is no tight schedule, no work or hardship, only peace, calm and relaxation. Imagine the smell of the flowers in the field or the ocean mist as the waves lap against the shore. Imagine the tree frogs in the woods near the lake, the cool breeze as the sun begins to set on the horizen or how it shimmers on the clear waters gently lapping against the bank.
As you begin to feel relaxed from whatever aids you have used and in whatever position you feel most comfortable and as you have found a way to control the rapid thoughts, you have now opened the door to a great meditation session. Whatever follows, whatever your mind discovers, whatever you experience, just allow it to happen. Never force anything during meditation. If you do only have fifteen minutes to meditate, make sure you set a timer so that you don’t have to worry about what time it is. When the alarm sounds, open your eyes and just spend a couple minutes reflecting on what just happened. If you want to do the journal thing, now would be a great time to make an entry.
If you encountered the issue of being sleepy and felt yourself drifting off, consider using a different position or attempt your session at a different time of day. And if nothing happened at all and your session was uneventful, don’t worry about it. It happens to all beginners. Give yourself time and remember to be patient, this is a practice and it does require a little dedication and some determination. Once you get it right, it will be one of the most rewarding moments in your day.
Walking Meditation is fundamentally the same as sitting meditation, except for the obvious thing being the not sitting part! Like I have already mentioned, walking meditation is probably best done outside somewhere in a place you are less likely to be distracted. If you live in a city it will be more difficult to find a place of solitude. Your best bet would a park or walking trail. Once you can find a place to actually do this, the rest is pretty easy.
I think the hardest part to walking meditation is being able to clear your mind of countless and useless thoughts. I know that I often find myself thinking about what I need to do when I get back home and what work I have at the office to do. So for me it makes it easier if I just try to absorb the peace and serenity around me rather than try to manifest it in my head, after all you’re walking around and you don’t want to fall in a hole or walk into a pole. Your eyes are gonna be open anyways, why not focus on the pleasentness of the moment around you. It’s important to find a beautiful and peaceful place to do this. I think that is why it’s a far less common method than Sitting Meditation, it’s so hard for most people to not only find the place, but also the time to travel to this place and have a productive session.
If you can’t find a place of solitude for walking and you are bound and determined to try walking meditation anyway, then you will have to train your mind to shut out everything around you. Let’s say that you live in the city and your only option is to walk the streets. Obviously these streets are full of people talking, loud vehicles, the usual hussle and bussle of a city.
You can try using an MP3 player to listen to meditation tracks that you have synced to the device or you can just try to shut out the noise by concentrating really hard on visualizations. Honestly, it really is risky and not to mention dangerous to attempt to not pay attention to what’s going on around you. If you plan on crossing streets where there is traffic, you really need to consider what is or isn’t safe for you try. Other than sound you can also try counting your steps as you walk. Any aid that can get you to focus your thoughts or keep you from getting distracted would be key.
If you have the time and money, you may consider buying a treadmill. You’ll be able to walk and not worry about stumbling into poles or falling into holes. You will be able to listen to meditation cd’s or if you can find meditation videos/DVD’s you may be better off. The videos are usually of beautiful places like a beach or forest and if you have a larger size television they may help you visualize a place more peaceful while you are walking on the treadmill.
Yoga and T’ai Chi are another relatively common type of moving meditation. These don’t require you to travel anywhere and you can do them right in the privacy of your own home or if you prefer you can join a club or center that offers group classes. I don’t practice T’ai Chi myself, but from what I have seen it is not much different than dancing. Yoga on the other hand is something I do. At its core, it really isn’t anything more than glorified stretching with numerous positions, each having a name. So don’t let it’s exotic name turn you away. Like meditation, it only gets difficult as you advance through the different positions. Some are more difficult than others, but most people who are already in shape will not have any problems learning the beginning positions and progressing through to the more difficult ones.
As with any new physical activity you should consult your doctor before attempting it because you don’t want to get injured. And don’t rush yourself either, go at it at a controlled pace. Set up a workout regimen for each week. For instance, I do yoga on Mondays and Wednesdays and I strength train on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you have a personal trainer and you want to start doing Yoga, ask them how it would best fit into your personalized training sessions.
Other strategies and resources:
Some people who respond better to vocalization may consider using chants to reach a state of meditation. This can be quite the experience when you are able to join a group of other practitioners. If you are a particularly religious person, another great aid is prayer, afterall prayer in itself is another type of meditation. For those more intune with the Eastern practice, using mantras is also very beneficial. Personally, I don’t use mantras often, but when I do I use, Om Mani Padme Hum, which means “Hail to the Jewel in the Lotus.” It is pronounced, Aum-Mawnee-Podmee-Hum and it is the mantra for compassion. A person can also use bells to begin or end a meditation session.
If you have a local wellness center where you live, you can join a meditation class, which can make your experience all the more fulfilling and not to mention the benefits of sharing your experiences with other people who are interested in meditation. Also, an experienced teacher can help guide you through the practice and offer you helpful advice when you get stuck. Most instructors offer different levels of study so that beginners aren’t thrown to the wolves in a more advanced class where the subject matter may be too complex for someone who has never experienced meditation before.
Usually these classes are once or twice a week and usually last no more than a month or two and for those students/clients who wish to continue the group sessions after they have completed the course can return every week for a group session usually no longer than an hour in length. I’ve heard many people say that they look forward to their one hour escape from daily life each week and enjoy the group setting and socialization. At it’s core, meditation really is a type of therapy. A type of therapy from the stresses of everyday life, from past tramuatic experiences, recent or sudden grief from a death in the family and many other issues we all face throughout life.
Meditation Supplies:
http://www.lifescapesmusic.com/
Learn different types of Meditation:
http://www.transformationmeditation.com/
Useful books:
The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh
Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh
Creating Calm by Gill Farrer-Halls
A Portal to My Mind
October 12, 2009
A Portal To My Mind
I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”
We live among so much meaninglessness, material things of a false value. Possessions of emptiness.
We are but beings wandering paved roads, trying to justify ourselves and our journey in life. We laugh and we cry, we love and we lose. We know greed and envy, we feel compassion and regret.
Still, we wander on in search of something more. When we think we have found what we seek, we soon yearn for more.
On a paved circle, almost all of us walk, endlessly with hope for something more. We dream of it and yearn for it so desperately.
We seek answers from men and gods. We shed blood for truth and still we are without answers.
I stand upon dirt and stone, things without life and I ponder their origins. I look up to the sky and contemplate the birth of the stars.
My mind runs wild with theories, but I have no proof.
I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”
Closing my eyes, I open my mind to all that I have learned, all that I have seen, heard and touched. My consciousness expands and in one moment I feel everything that I have ever felt in my lifetime.
Every kiss on my lips, every drop of blood that has flowed from my hands, every laugh, every heartache and tear, every gentle embrace and every harsh word, every cut and every bruise, every dawn and every dusk, every rainfall and the scent of every flower, every dream realized and every hope forsaken, every memorable moment flashes through my mind.
In this moment I am one with every human being. We all feel these things, endure the pain and the joy of life. We suffer hardships and enjoy pleasures. We experience many different things in our lives all around the world because our environments are not all the same, but within us we all feel and respond to those things in the same ways. We remember them all.
I open my eyes again and despite the river of emotion that has flowed forth from me, I am still without an answer, I still ask myself, “What is the meaning of life?”
In time we all grow old, age it comes upon us all like the cold of winter. We grow weak and feeble, our bodies begin to fail us. Our minds slip and eventually we forget who we were. The universe takes us back and the energy that was our life is redistributed into the circle of life. Where there is a beginning, there is an ending and where there is an ending there is a new beginning.
Such a cycle must exist with a purpose. Some type of order within this chaos.
The wind begins to blow and gently presses against my body on this cold night. There is some kind of comfort in the chill of this moment, the air awakening the skin on my face. The silence of darkness is a place that I have come to call home.
There is so much distraction in the human world that we forget to just be. To take in all that surrounds us. We worry so much about money, about school, our jobs, the clothes we wear or the objects we own. We worry about the stock market, we worry about the world economy, about the hate among men of many nations. These are such trivial things in the scheme of a greater universe. We are all so blinded by what we think is important, by the mediocre existence of the global human being.
And again I ask, “What is the meaning of life?”
As in life and on this night, I feel alone in the contemplation of greater things. We fear what has been and fear what may come, still nothing ever seems to change. The tracks within our minds keep taking us in the same direction. We keep searching out into the world for better things, for answers and peace. Some kind of harmony we hear in the distance, it calls to us like a light in the darkness summons the moth.
Like mirages in the desert, we think that just beyond the horizon there is hope and satisfaction, some kind of safety from the horror that is our lives.
Always away from us, always out of reach and in the distance exists the answer to our problems or so we think. We say all the “what if’s” and all the “if only’s”. We wish and we dream for so much more, that by some miracle what we think we lack will come into our lives.
Some believe that the answers they seek lay far beyond the sky and into the heavens. That life has no meaning other than to test the soul of a man. To be judged by their deeds and gain access to heaven or hell, the true realms of existence. I, however, beg to differ.
And so I continue to ask, “What is the meaning of life?”
Life is undoubtedly a journey. A journey to find oneself, not to prove oneself, but to find oneself. There is nothing wrong with seeking answers, to find reasons in our suffering and our joys, but I feel as though the only reason for these things is that we are alive. That is why we endure these things, we are alive. It’s just a part of existence.
And the only direction we need to wander is inward. Everything that we seek is inside of us. It just takes moments where we can jump off the tracks of life and stand still, take in what is around us and just be without a cause.
That is my meaning of life – no meaning. I simply live to live. I am here to endure life. To feel pain, to feel joy, to love and to regret. I don’t know what will happen when I die, but I don’t need to know in order to live. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I go to bed at night just the same without that knowledge. Sure I have dreams for a better world like everyone else and I do what I can to better the lives of those around me, but I am not the master of this universe, I am only the master of myself.
This essay is available as an audio track on SoundCloud:
The Ardent Axiom 